How Not To Be An Ostrich

About a month ago I finally decided that I needed help (my brothers have been saying this for years, I know). I wanted to get rid of those pesky Extra Pounds (EPs) that I had picked up over the summer. However, despite my best efforts to cook at home and exercise regularly at CrossFit, the stubborn EPs just weren't getting the hint. So, I decided I needed some professional help, and started working with Stephanie, one of my awesome CrossFit Coaches who is also a Nutrition Coach with Strength of Body and Mind. 

When we first met, mid-September, Steph took my weight and measurements and determined the Macros that she wanted me to follow. Each day, I'm supposed to eat exactly the same number of calories consisting of a specific number of grams of Fats, Protein and Carbohydrates.  She encouraged me to use My Fitness Pal to track these things, an app I promptly installed on my phone and iPad.  

Honestly, those first two weeks I was really swamped and didn't take the time to try and figure out how to use My Fitness Pal, or really, how to follow the Macros she had assigned me. And, shockingly (sarcasm), the scale showed no signs of moving. Finally, enough was enough. I sat down, Googled "Macros," started watching YouTube videos, visiting different blogs and websites, and finally started to wrap my mind around what this whole "Macros" thing was all about.  

Here's where things got interesting.

It turns out, that all those healthy meals I had been preparing at home had calories. Lots of calories. They weren't all bad calories. But my Jennie O 93% Lean Ground turkey (6 oz) was 255 calories. Put that together with some chopped black olives (3 TB), black beans (1/2 C), spinach (2 C), cucumber (1 C), tomato (1 Roma), bell pepper (1), egg whites (1 C), feta cheese (1 oz), and vinegar (2 TB) and olive oil (1 TB) and you have a super healthy lunch.  But add those things together and we are talking an 821 calorie salad! 

WHOA!

That's a LOT of calories!!!

The protein shake that I drink with my breakfast (not as a meal replacement), is 230 calories.  Plus my egg whites, oatmeal, sliced almonds, and fruit.  

YIKES!  

I quickly realized that while Steph had given me what seemed like a LOT of calories in my allotted daily Macros, those calories spent themselves mighty quickly, even when I was preparing healthy, nutritious foods.

It occurred to me that I had been living my life like an ostrich--with my head buried in the sand.  I knew that I was eating healthy foods, for the most part, so I didn't really pay attention to portions, and when I had a treat, I just figured that my healthy eating was balancing it out.  

WRONG.

Even healthy foods have calories.  Often, more than you think (protein).  

Initially, I think I suspected that things were not adding up, as I wasn't losing those pesky Extra Pounds that I wanted to get rid of. But for a while, I just didn't want to face the music. Somehow I thought it was better just not knowing the details.  

I don't know why I'm afraid of the details sometimes. Why I fear the very answers that I am looking for. I think it's part of human nature, or at least part of Anela nature, to want to ignore things, because facing the facts means changing our behaviors, and sometimes, I'm just lazy. Tired. Busy. Full of excuses. Sometimes, I just don't want to change.  

But here's the thing.  My mom used to post inspirational quotes on our back door when I was a teenager.  She probably thought we never paid attention, but I remember them.  All of them.  One of them said this: 

If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always gotten.

Bam!

If I continued to hide, afraid to find out what I was really eating, then I would keep gaining weight, and continue to be frustrated and unhappy with myself.  

So, I decided to SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP (my new motto, by the way), and finally start recording every single thing that I ate (using My Fitness Pal).  

I haven't been perfect at keeping track of things, but I've done a thousand percent better these past few weeks than I did those first two.  

And I've discovered a little secret.  

You can plug your food in a day or two AHEAD OF TIME and play around with different options until you find what is going to best fit your Macros (and your tastes, for that matter).

GAME CHANGER!!!

I'm kind of obsessive about it now, actually.  I'm secretly a data nerd (in addition to being nerdy about all kinds of other things), and have found that I LOVE plugging in my food and trying to get as close to my Macros as possible without going over my numbers. Also, I now meticulously check food labels to try and get as much bang as possible for my calorie "buck."  I looked at at least a dozen different brands of Greek Yogurt before I settled on the HEB brand 100 calorie cups, because they have 0 Fat, 10 Carbs and 13 Protein (you'd be surprised at how much the Fat, Carbs and Protein varied for different brands). Since I have a hard time fulfilling my daily Protein Macros, I try to find things that are high in Protein and have little or no Fat and Carbs, like HEB Greek Yogurt and egg whites.  

Oh man.  Egg whites are my new best friend.  I eat them in oatmeal, salads, veggie stir frys, and sometimes just by themselves with a little salsa on top. Mmmmmm. Yummy. So much Protein, NO Fat, and a tiny amount of Carbs. If I could buy stock in egg whites, I would.  

Anyhow, I feel empowered now, knowing exactly what I am eating and where all of my calories come from. And honestly, it does make it easier for me to resist temptations. I can better plan for things like going out to dinner with friends. I make better choices (got the Turkey Burger the other night at Carl's Junior because it had 490 calories compared to the 880 calories in the Guacamole Bacon Burger that I really wanted to get). I can have that Fun sized packet of M&Ms, as long as I plan for it and reserve 3 grams of Fat and 10 grams of Carbs in my daily Macros.  

Now that my head isn't buried in the sand anymore, I've seen some other things as well. Like the numbers on the scale, finally starting to go down.

:-)

Counting the Costs

I have had a lot of leisure time this summer to reflect on my life--what's going well, and what needs to be re-shaped. It's been a great summer, filled with thousands of miles on the road, visits to family and friends, cruising with Disney to the Bahamas, and, much to my chagrin, picking up some unwanted stowaways--several Extra Pounds (EPs) that seem to have attached themselves to my stomach, butt and thighs.

Really, what did I expect. 

I went from a spring of working out at CrossFit 3 times/week and cooking mostly at home (a diet rich in veggies and lean meat, fruit and nuts, with only an occasional indulgence of M&Ms or ice cream), to eating out every day on the road and not exercising at all.

Sometimes, I'm a bit delusional.  

I get the idea in my silly little head that one of these days, magically, my body and metabolism are going to POOF! shift and I'm going to suddenly be able to eat whatever I want without gaining any weight or losing any muscle.

Ha.

In my dreams.

I am not Rich Froning.  

I need to face the facts.  

I will ALWAYS, EVERY SINGLE DAY have to monitor each morsel of food that passes through my lips.    

That is never, EVER going to change.

Pardon me while I sit here and pout a little bit. Shake my fist at the sky and ask, "Why, God?  Why will it always have to be so hard for me?" Cry over the M&Ms that I love so much. Mourn for all the Sonic Milkshakes that I will not get to consume. Throw myself on the floor in a tantrum over the Gummy Bears and Cinnamon cake at Sprouts that I will have to ignore every time I go shopping.

It sucks.

Let me just take a moment to own the fact that it really, really sucks.  

A lot.

I love food. I don't just eat to live. I live to eat. Food has always brought me immense joy. It's a huge part of my identity, of who I am.  

But...there is a cost for my indulgence.  

Eating whatever I want, whenever I want, will result in a body that I am not willing to live with. Already, these EPs that I've picked up over the past two months are costing me way too much--clothes that don't fit comfortably, slower WOD times, more pressure on my joints, and, most upsetting, the erosion of my self-confidence.  

As much as I love food, it's time for me to face the music: I CANNOT afford these EPs.  In any way.

Financially--I don't have the money to run out and buy a whole new wardrobe because my clothes are too small.

Physically--I can seriously FEEL how much more my body is having to work to carry around these extra EPs. My CF times are slower. Everything is harder. My joints hurt more. No bueno.

Emotionally--I hate how carrying these EPs around is making me less sure of myself.  I am more shy, and less inclined to be social. All because I don't like the way that I look.  

Mentally--Carrying around these EPs makes me dread working out, because I know it's going to be challenging. Which, along with my eroded self-confidence, means I'm not pushing myself as hard when I do exercise. 

So...it's time to pay the Piper. I had my fun. A summer of indulging, of not thinking about what I was eating.

The cost now is that I have to be super conscious of every single bite of food that goes in my mouth. No more "moderation." Nope, the price of my indulgence is that I have to be super strict about my diet, and exercise more than ever in order to lose these pesky EPs.  

I will do it.

I have to.

But the cost...

Next time I see a bag of M&Ms, or drive by Sonic, I need to remember that right now, these treats are out of my caloric price range, and that the cost, the EPs, simply aren't worth it.  

CrossFit Prayer

CrossFit Prayer

By Anela Wenger

Now I lay me down to CrossFit,

I pray the Lord I just won’t quit.

If I should fail to get a PR,

I pray at least to lift the bar,

And thrust and jerk and clean and press,

And kettle bell swing ‘til I’m a mess. 

Then jump up on a 20” box,

Show off my knee-high Rx socks.

And do a snatch or two at least,

Hear my coach yell “you’re a BEAST!”

Now 80 wall balls, squats, pull-ups,

Clock is ticking—time’s almost up.

Let’s do a TABATA, some double-unders,

Who made this workout—Satan? I wonder.

I think it just can’t get any more “fun,”

Then Coach says, “rest” on a half-mile run.

My legs are Jell-O, my arms are on fire,

Could the step onto the curb be any higher?

My body wants to take a nap,

But I just want to finish this AMRAP!

At last, there’s a beep; it’s over now,

I’m still alive—but not sure how.

Collapsed onto a stinky mat,

I leave some sweat marks where I sat.

Now, awful as that hour was,

My brain gets warped and full of fuzz.

For with the “good nights” and “later, bro,”

I suddenly shout out, “See you tomorrow!”

Now I lay me down to WOD,

And pray it doesn’t kill my bod.

If I should die before I wake,

That’s one less rep I’ll have to make.

Baby Got Back...My Journey Towards Developing a CrossFit Booty

Funny how history repeats itself.

I have talked several times on this blog about how I have hesitated to call myself a "runner," because I don't embody the lithe, fast, lean figure that most people associate with that word. When someone thinks of a runner, they do NOT think of a chubby girl lumbering along at a 13-minute mile pace. And yet, a runner I am (or have been in the past).

Well, when I joined CrossFit back in September (2013), I didn't tell anyone (except my family and the few friends who had been bugging me FOREVER to join).

Why not?

Because I was embarrassed.

I knew that people would hear CrossFit and think of a buff girl with defined biceps, a nice round booty and a body-fat percentage in the teens. They would take one look at my pudgy figure, flat butt, jiggly arms, and inability to do even a single regular push-up and think I was joking.

So I hid my CrossFitting, like it was a dirty little secret.

Even at my CrossFit box, I was hesitant and shy--everyone else seemed to be light-years ahead of me in terms of strength and endurance. And while I'm sure none of them were judging me, I was certainly judging myself. I kept comparing what I was doing to what everyone else was doing, so of course, I was coming up short. My lack of confidence made it hard for me to get to know people, at first.

Then I remembered my blog. I remembered going through this very same thing with running--hesitating to really embrace and identify with the sport.

Over the Christmas Holiday, I spent a lot of time reflecting on where I was in life, and where I wanted to be. My birthday came and went. Maybe it was getting a year older that helped me to finally say...

To HELL with what other people think.

My fitness journey is MY journey.  I don't have to fit into any mold or cookie-cutter of OTHER PEOPLE'S expectations.  This is about ME.  Not them.

It felt so liberating to say, in effect, SCREW everyone else.

My attitude changed.

I really began to savor and enjoy my time at my CrossFit box. I started talking to people there. I tried to be really present in workouts, focusing on improving my form and pushing myself to work harder each time. I set some CrossFit goals for this year and am actively working towards them.

So, a few months ago, we ordered sweatshirts for our CrossFit box that have our name and logo on them. I will be honest--I hadn't worn mine outside of the house, because I didn't want to judged by people who would wonder why someone with a body like mine would be wearing CrossFit gear. I was ashamed of myself, not feeling worthy to be associated with CrossFit. I was afraid to share my dirty little CrossFit secret with everyone, unwilling to face their scrutiny.

Last week, for the first time, I worse my CrossFit sweatshirt in public.

I'm not going to lie--it felt GOOD.

I AM a CrossFitter.  I have done the AMRAPs, Burpees, EMOMS, and TABATAs to prove it.  I may not be the fastest, strongest, leanest, or buff-est, but I most definitely AM a CrossFit Athlete.

PS.  One of the goals that I'm working on is to get the BOOTY to prove it!

On Drinking the Cross-Fit Kool-Aid...or should I say Paleo-Friendly Coconut Water

Two blog posts in a row?  I know.  I'm on a roll!

So, I've heard about the "CrossFit" cult for a while. In fact, I have several friends who have been trying to get me to try it out for the past few years.

Honestly, I was worried about it because my eating/drinking capabilities were so limited with my Lap-Band that I was afraid to work out. I worried that I wouldn't be able to drink enough to replenish my fluids.

So, in September, 1 1/2 months post-surgery I finally decided to drink the Kool-Aid/Coconut Water that everyone had been talking about.

I joined Fidelis CrossFit.

And my life changed forever.

I am not going to lie.  The first few weeks I thought, on several different occasions, that I was going to die.  I haven't hurt that badly since high school track practice. Seriously! My whole body hurt. Muscles I didn't even know that I HAD hurt!

It was hard.

One of the biggest challenges for me was realizing that I had basically been malnourished for well over a year and seriously malnourished for the past 6 months, with the severe restrictions that my Lap-Band put on my eating abilities.  My body had lost a LOT of nutrients, so working out was so, so SO difficult!

But I kept at it.

I'm not going to lie.  It was humiliating for me to suck so badly at something, or should I say, everything.  I mean, I'm a pretty strong person.  Always have been.  But after a year or two without proper nutrition, I hadn't even realized how much muscle and strength I had lost. Until I started CrossFit.  Everything was hard.  I had to scale the scaled things that others were doing.  I couldn't even do straight knee-pushups...I had to snake my way up to my knees.  It was honestly shocking how weak I had gotten.

But, I kept at it.  We had a nutrition challenge at our CrossFit Box that I, foolishly, signed up for.

Talk about a mistake!  ;-)

We were on a super-strict Paleo-Zone meal plan.  It was horrible!  You see, since all I could eat the last year or so with my Lap-Band was super processed food and candy, I had gotten myself quite a sweet tooth. And there was no sugar/processed food allowed during the challenge.

I tried to follow the meal plans, but ended up "cheating" often, and not really giving it 100% effort.  Then, near the end of the challenge, I got sick with a horrible cough/cold and wasn't able to work out.  So I just kind of dropped the nutrition challenge.

After that, it was the holidays.  My parents came to visit for Thanksgiving, things were crazy at work during December, and before I knew it, I was heading home to AZ for the Christmas holidays, only having made it to one or two CrossFit classes.

And then a terrible thing happened.

My pants started shrinking in the washer.

My shirts too.

I was reaching a crisis point in my health journey--either stand up and DO SOMETHING about it, or buy bigger clothes.

So, I decided to give CrossFit a REAL try.

I've been going 2x/week for the past month, ever since I got back from the holidays. And while I still have to scale EVERYTHING, I have seen some real improvements in my strength and endurance. I noticed a few weeks ago that push-ups were getting easy...too easy. So I switched from doing knee push-ups to snaking my way all the way into a full push-up.  It takes me longer to do them this way, but I don't care. I'm just thrilled to be moving up to a slightly less-scaled version than what I first started with.  

In addition, I have stopped weighing myself. I know that my body is undergoing some major changes right now, and that I very well may still be gaining weight, both muscle and fat. I don't want those numbers to discourage me. For now, I am going to measure my success by how I feel and how my clothes fit.

I also know that getting healthy this way, the right way, is going to take a long time. I'm not going to drop 10 lbs in a week (like I did sometimes with the Lap-Band). But I know that if I stick with it, this is a lifestyle that will keep me healthy and fit for the rest of my years on this earth.

Yes, there is a lot of controversy out there about CrossFit.  You need to do your homework and check out different boxes before you commit to one. But when you DO find the right box (gym, for all you non-CrossFit-ers), it will CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

I have met some AMAZING people at my box. My coaches are awesome. Pete and Steph push me and won't let me wimp out or try and go too easy. Felipe and Liz are super helpful and motivating. I have also met some of the genuinely nicest and most encouraging people of my life. Everyone is friendly. They all cheer each other on throughout the workout. We are truly family at Fidelis CrossFit, and I'm happy to be a part of it.

CrossFit is more than just an exercise program. It's a way of living, eating, exercising, cooking, shopping, socializing, viewing the world. It may not be for everyone, but it most definitely IS for me!

CrossFit isn't just a way of life.

CrossFit IS my life.

Coming Clean About a Lot of Things

This post has been on my mind for a while, but it's taken me a long time to (begin to) come to grips with some of the blessings and challenges I have faced over the past few years.  I am finally ready to lay it all out, as humiliating as some parts are for me.  I just hope someone out there gets something from this.

On January 18, 2010, I began a new life.  I was very overweight (okay, grossly obese would be a better term) at that point, so I went in for surgery and had a Lap-Band put in.  That day I vowed to change my life by eating healthier and exercising regularly.  The day after my surgery, I started going on walks around my apartment complex.  Three weeks later, when I was cleared by my doctor, I began the Couch to 5K training program in preparation for my first 5K.

I ran a half marathon in November 2010, and another in January 2012. Slowly but surely, the weight came off and I got my life back. I gained confidence. I started to actually LIKE shopping for clothes. I dated. I was happier than I had been in a long time. Things seemed to be finally going my way.

Last summer (2013), I was in Arizona visiting family and friends, just moments away from losing 100 lbs when my world came crashing down on me.  I spent two days unable to keep down any food or water, and when I went to the hospital, I was told that my Lap-Band had slipped and they would have to remove it. This was 3 days before I was planning to drive back to Texas.

I cried.

I was rude and angry to the nursing staff.

I cried.

I begged the doctors not to remove it.

I cried.

I was mean to my mom (who was kind enough to be by my side in the emergency room and during this whole ordeal).

I cried more..

My precious weight loss, my new body, everything that I had worked so patiently for, was slipping through my fingers.

I was terrified.  Terrified of gaining weight, of having my "little helper" taken away.  And I was angry.  SO ANGRY.  SO VERY ANGRY!

Why did this have to happen to me?  Isn't it bad enough that I struggle with my weight?  Now I have to become one of the "complications with the Lap-Band" statistics?  It just didn't seem fair!!!

Now, I do need to clue you in on some things before I tell you the rest of the story.

I loved having a Lap-Band. I still think that they are wonderful tools, and I would be happy to talk to anyone considering having weight-loss surgery. Getting a Lap-Band was one of the best decisions I have ever made. But it came with a price. As my Lap-Band got tighter and tighter, I began to throw up more and more. Even though I would chew my food like crazy, my body became unable to tolerate many foods--most meats, breads, fruit and veggies, yogurt. I could eat crackers or chips, candy, a few odds and ends, but my options were limited. And it became essentially impossible for me to eat while sitting down--I guess my insides pressed on the band in a bad way when I was in a seated position. I would have to take a bite of food and walk around. Wait 5-10 minutes. Take another bite. And I still threw up a lot--several times a day, because my food would get "stuck" and wouldn't be able to go past the band. So the only other option was to come up.

I know. You're thinking--that's horrible! Why didn't you tell your doctor?

Why? Because, frankly, I was willing to pay that price to be the size that I was. I wanted to lose weight, and by jove, I lost it.

So, back to last August when I'm in the hospital, on vacation, being told that I have to have emergency surgery.  Not only did I not want to PAY for another surgery, I didn't want to lose my Lap-band. But in the end, I didn't have a choice. They removed it. And my new life, my post-Lap-Band life began.

It hasn't been easy.

The first few weeks, I was ravenous.  But what surprised me more than the hunger was the THIRST!  I was THIRSTY all the time!  So very, very thirsty.  I honestly was probably drinking 2-3 GALLONS of water every day.  I'm serious.  I would pee every half an hour.  Wake up 4-5 times at night to pee.  It was crazy.  I thought I was going insane.

When I got back to Texas and saw my doctor here, he was mad too that they removed my band.  He also told me that my insane thirst and endless hunger were normal--that my body had been restricted for 3 1/2 years and now it was going to fight back.  We talked briefly about other weight-loss surgeries, but at that time, I was too thin to qualify for any of them. Plus, I didn't want to pay all the money for YET ANOTHER surgery. So I told him that I was going to try and keep it off myself.

The pounds started creeping back on at an alarming rate.

But I discovered some good things too. I could eat again. I could eat fruit and veggies again. You have no idea how much I had missed eating salad!  I could eat meat--chicken and shrimp had never tasted so good! I could sit down and eat. I could go to a restaurant and not have to excuse myself 2-3 times to go barf in the bathroom, or worry that the food would come up before I could get to the bathroom. I could drink water while I was driving somewhere (couldn't eat or drink ANYTHING in the car during the later end of my Lap-Band time).

And I didn't throw up anymore.

I started getting adventurous at the grocery store. I began exploring new vegetables--Brussell's Sprouts (have always hated them and now LOVE them), different types of squash, kale, etc. I bought a Vitamix Blender and started making green smoothies.

The pounds still kept coming back.

But I realized a few things. That for me, the Lap-Band was giving me a false-positive. Yes, I was losing weight. But I wasn't losing it the right way, the healthy way. I was losing weight because I could hardly eat or drink anything. I was losing fat but I was also losing muscle. My body was in survival mode, fighting for every calorie it could get.

That wasn't healthy. I wasn't healthy. I was thinner that I've been in a long time, but I wasn't healthy at all. I realize that now.

Now, I'm not saying that this is how it is for everyone with a Lap-Band. I know plenty of other people who have been able to continue to eat fruits and vegetable and lean proteins with their Lap-Bands. But I wasn't. Which is why my emergency surgery turned out to be a blessing in disguise.


So, I feel like I'm starting back at the beginning. Embarking on a NEW journey, to get healthy the old-fashioned way--by exercising and eating right.  I no longer have a "helper" that tells me I'm full after eating only a small amount of food. I have to make conscious choices, measure things, and think before I eat.

And I am now, once again, focused on getting to a size/weight that I am comfortable with.

Let the (healthy) journey begin...