Funny how history repeats itself.
I have talked several times on this blog about how I have hesitated to call myself a "runner," because I don't embody the lithe, fast, lean figure that most people associate with that word. When someone thinks of a runner, they do NOT think of a chubby girl lumbering along at a 13-minute mile pace. And yet, a runner I am (or have been in the past).
Well, when I joined CrossFit back in September (2013), I didn't tell anyone (except my family and the few friends who had been bugging me FOREVER to join).
Why not?
Because I was embarrassed.
I knew that people would hear CrossFit and think of a buff girl with defined biceps, a nice round booty and a body-fat percentage in the teens. They would take one look at my pudgy figure, flat butt, jiggly arms, and inability to do even a single regular push-up and think I was joking.
So I hid my CrossFitting, like it was a dirty little secret.
Even at my CrossFit box, I was hesitant and shy--everyone else seemed to be light-years ahead of me in terms of strength and endurance. And while I'm sure none of them were judging me, I was certainly judging myself. I kept comparing what I was doing to what everyone else was doing, so of course, I was coming up short. My lack of confidence made it hard for me to get to know people, at first.
Then I remembered my blog. I remembered going through this very same thing with running--hesitating to really embrace and identify with the sport.
Over the Christmas Holiday, I spent a lot of time reflecting on where I was in life, and where I wanted to be. My birthday came and went. Maybe it was getting a year older that helped me to finally say...
To HELL with what other people think.
My fitness journey is MY journey. I don't have to fit into any mold or cookie-cutter of OTHER PEOPLE'S expectations. This is about ME. Not them.
It felt so liberating to say, in effect, SCREW everyone else.
My attitude changed.
I really began to savor and enjoy my time at my CrossFit box. I started talking to people there. I tried to be really present in workouts, focusing on improving my form and pushing myself to work harder each time. I set some CrossFit goals for this year and am actively working towards them.
So, a few months ago, we ordered sweatshirts for our CrossFit box that have our name and logo on them. I will be honest--I hadn't worn mine outside of the house, because I didn't want to judged by people who would wonder why someone with a body like mine would be wearing CrossFit gear. I was ashamed of myself, not feeling worthy to be associated with CrossFit. I was afraid to share my dirty little CrossFit secret with everyone, unwilling to face their scrutiny.
Last week, for the first time, I worse my CrossFit sweatshirt in public.
I'm not going to lie--it felt GOOD.
I AM a CrossFitter. I have done the AMRAPs, Burpees, EMOMS, and TABATAs to prove it. I may not be the fastest, strongest, leanest, or buff-est, but I most definitely AM a CrossFit Athlete.
PS. One of the goals that I'm working on is to get the BOOTY to prove it!
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Saturday, February 8, 2014
On Drinking the Cross-Fit Kool-Aid...or should I say Paleo-Friendly Coconut Water
Two blog posts in a row? I know. I'm on a roll!
So, I've heard about the "CrossFit" cult for a while. In fact, I have several friends who have been trying to get me to try it out for the past few years.
Honestly, I was worried about it because my eating/drinking capabilities were so limited with my Lap-Band that I was afraid to work out. I worried that I wouldn't be able to drink enough to replenish my fluids.
So, in September, 1 1/2 months post-surgery I finally decided to drink the Kool-Aid/Coconut Water that everyone had been talking about.
I joined Fidelis CrossFit.
And my life changed forever.
I am not going to lie. The first few weeks I thought, on several different occasions, that I was going to die. I haven't hurt that badly since high school track practice. Seriously! My whole body hurt. Muscles I didn't even know that I HAD hurt!
It was hard.
One of the biggest challenges for me was realizing that I had basically been malnourished for well over a year and seriously malnourished for the past 6 months, with the severe restrictions that my Lap-Band put on my eating abilities. My body had lost a LOT of nutrients, so working out was so, so SO difficult!
But I kept at it.
I'm not going to lie. It was humiliating for me to suck so badly at something, or should I say, everything. I mean, I'm a pretty strong person. Always have been. But after a year or two without proper nutrition, I hadn't even realized how much muscle and strength I had lost. Until I started CrossFit. Everything was hard. I had to scale the scaled things that others were doing. I couldn't even do straight knee-pushups...I had to snake my way up to my knees. It was honestly shocking how weak I had gotten.
But, I kept at it. We had a nutrition challenge at our CrossFit Box that I, foolishly, signed up for.
Talk about a mistake! ;-)
We were on a super-strict Paleo-Zone meal plan. It was horrible! You see, since all I could eat the last year or so with my Lap-Band was super processed food and candy, I had gotten myself quite a sweet tooth. And there was no sugar/processed food allowed during the challenge.
I tried to follow the meal plans, but ended up "cheating" often, and not really giving it 100% effort. Then, near the end of the challenge, I got sick with a horrible cough/cold and wasn't able to work out. So I just kind of dropped the nutrition challenge.
After that, it was the holidays. My parents came to visit for Thanksgiving, things were crazy at work during December, and before I knew it, I was heading home to AZ for the Christmas holidays, only having made it to one or two CrossFit classes.
And then a terrible thing happened.
My pants started shrinking in the washer.
My shirts too.
I was reaching a crisis point in my health journey--either stand up and DO SOMETHING about it, or buy bigger clothes.
So, I decided to give CrossFit a REAL try.
I've been going 2x/week for the past month, ever since I got back from the holidays. And while I still have to scale EVERYTHING, I have seen some real improvements in my strength and endurance. I noticed a few weeks ago that push-ups were getting easy...too easy. So I switched from doing knee push-ups to snaking my way all the way into a full push-up. It takes me longer to do them this way, but I don't care. I'm just thrilled to be moving up to a slightly less-scaled version than what I first started with.
In addition, I have stopped weighing myself. I know that my body is undergoing some major changes right now, and that I very well may still be gaining weight, both muscle and fat. I don't want those numbers to discourage me. For now, I am going to measure my success by how I feel and how my clothes fit.
I also know that getting healthy this way, the right way, is going to take a long time. I'm not going to drop 10 lbs in a week (like I did sometimes with the Lap-Band). But I know that if I stick with it, this is a lifestyle that will keep me healthy and fit for the rest of my years on this earth.
Yes, there is a lot of controversy out there about CrossFit. You need to do your homework and check out different boxes before you commit to one. But when you DO find the right box (gym, for all you non-CrossFit-ers), it will CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
I have met some AMAZING people at my box. My coaches are awesome. Pete and Steph push me and won't let me wimp out or try and go too easy. Felipe and Liz are super helpful and motivating. I have also met some of the genuinely nicest and most encouraging people of my life. Everyone is friendly. They all cheer each other on throughout the workout. We are truly family at Fidelis CrossFit, and I'm happy to be a part of it.
CrossFit is more than just an exercise program. It's a way of living, eating, exercising, cooking, shopping, socializing, viewing the world. It may not be for everyone, but it most definitely IS for me!
CrossFit isn't just a way of life.
CrossFit IS my life.
So, I've heard about the "CrossFit" cult for a while. In fact, I have several friends who have been trying to get me to try it out for the past few years.
Honestly, I was worried about it because my eating/drinking capabilities were so limited with my Lap-Band that I was afraid to work out. I worried that I wouldn't be able to drink enough to replenish my fluids.
So, in September, 1 1/2 months post-surgery I finally decided to drink the Kool-Aid/Coconut Water that everyone had been talking about.
I joined Fidelis CrossFit.
And my life changed forever.
I am not going to lie. The first few weeks I thought, on several different occasions, that I was going to die. I haven't hurt that badly since high school track practice. Seriously! My whole body hurt. Muscles I didn't even know that I HAD hurt!
It was hard.
One of the biggest challenges for me was realizing that I had basically been malnourished for well over a year and seriously malnourished for the past 6 months, with the severe restrictions that my Lap-Band put on my eating abilities. My body had lost a LOT of nutrients, so working out was so, so SO difficult!
But I kept at it.
I'm not going to lie. It was humiliating for me to suck so badly at something, or should I say, everything. I mean, I'm a pretty strong person. Always have been. But after a year or two without proper nutrition, I hadn't even realized how much muscle and strength I had lost. Until I started CrossFit. Everything was hard. I had to scale the scaled things that others were doing. I couldn't even do straight knee-pushups...I had to snake my way up to my knees. It was honestly shocking how weak I had gotten.
But, I kept at it. We had a nutrition challenge at our CrossFit Box that I, foolishly, signed up for.
Talk about a mistake! ;-)
We were on a super-strict Paleo-Zone meal plan. It was horrible! You see, since all I could eat the last year or so with my Lap-Band was super processed food and candy, I had gotten myself quite a sweet tooth. And there was no sugar/processed food allowed during the challenge.
I tried to follow the meal plans, but ended up "cheating" often, and not really giving it 100% effort. Then, near the end of the challenge, I got sick with a horrible cough/cold and wasn't able to work out. So I just kind of dropped the nutrition challenge.
After that, it was the holidays. My parents came to visit for Thanksgiving, things were crazy at work during December, and before I knew it, I was heading home to AZ for the Christmas holidays, only having made it to one or two CrossFit classes.
And then a terrible thing happened.
My pants started shrinking in the washer.
My shirts too.
I was reaching a crisis point in my health journey--either stand up and DO SOMETHING about it, or buy bigger clothes.
So, I decided to give CrossFit a REAL try.
I've been going 2x/week for the past month, ever since I got back from the holidays. And while I still have to scale EVERYTHING, I have seen some real improvements in my strength and endurance. I noticed a few weeks ago that push-ups were getting easy...too easy. So I switched from doing knee push-ups to snaking my way all the way into a full push-up. It takes me longer to do them this way, but I don't care. I'm just thrilled to be moving up to a slightly less-scaled version than what I first started with.
In addition, I have stopped weighing myself. I know that my body is undergoing some major changes right now, and that I very well may still be gaining weight, both muscle and fat. I don't want those numbers to discourage me. For now, I am going to measure my success by how I feel and how my clothes fit.
I also know that getting healthy this way, the right way, is going to take a long time. I'm not going to drop 10 lbs in a week (like I did sometimes with the Lap-Band). But I know that if I stick with it, this is a lifestyle that will keep me healthy and fit for the rest of my years on this earth.
Yes, there is a lot of controversy out there about CrossFit. You need to do your homework and check out different boxes before you commit to one. But when you DO find the right box (gym, for all you non-CrossFit-ers), it will CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
I have met some AMAZING people at my box. My coaches are awesome. Pete and Steph push me and won't let me wimp out or try and go too easy. Felipe and Liz are super helpful and motivating. I have also met some of the genuinely nicest and most encouraging people of my life. Everyone is friendly. They all cheer each other on throughout the workout. We are truly family at Fidelis CrossFit, and I'm happy to be a part of it.
CrossFit is more than just an exercise program. It's a way of living, eating, exercising, cooking, shopping, socializing, viewing the world. It may not be for everyone, but it most definitely IS for me!
CrossFit isn't just a way of life.
CrossFit IS my life.
Coming Clean About a Lot of Things
This post has been on my mind for a while, but it's taken me a long time to (begin to) come to grips with some of the blessings and challenges I have faced over the past few years. I am finally ready to lay it all out, as humiliating as some parts are for me. I just hope someone out there gets something from this.
On January 18, 2010, I began a new life. I was very overweight (okay, grossly obese would be a better term) at that point, so I went in for surgery and had a Lap-Band put in. That day I vowed to change my life by eating healthier and exercising regularly. The day after my surgery, I started going on walks around my apartment complex. Three weeks later, when I was cleared by my doctor, I began the Couch to 5K training program in preparation for my first 5K.
I ran a half marathon in November 2010, and another in January 2012. Slowly but surely, the weight came off and I got my life back. I gained confidence. I started to actually LIKE shopping for clothes. I dated. I was happier than I had been in a long time. Things seemed to be finally going my way.
Last summer (2013), I was in Arizona visiting family and friends, just moments away from losing 100 lbs when my world came crashing down on me. I spent two days unable to keep down any food or water, and when I went to the hospital, I was told that my Lap-Band had slipped and they would have to remove it. This was 3 days before I was planning to drive back to Texas.
I cried.
I was rude and angry to the nursing staff.
I cried.
I begged the doctors not to remove it.
I cried.
I was mean to my mom (who was kind enough to be by my side in the emergency room and during this whole ordeal).
I cried more..
My precious weight loss, my new body, everything that I had worked so patiently for, was slipping through my fingers.
I was terrified. Terrified of gaining weight, of having my "little helper" taken away. And I was angry. SO ANGRY. SO VERY ANGRY!
Why did this have to happen to me? Isn't it bad enough that I struggle with my weight? Now I have to become one of the "complications with the Lap-Band" statistics? It just didn't seem fair!!!
Now, I do need to clue you in on some things before I tell you the rest of the story.
I loved having a Lap-Band. I still think that they are wonderful tools, and I would be happy to talk to anyone considering having weight-loss surgery. Getting a Lap-Band was one of the best decisions I have ever made. But it came with a price. As my Lap-Band got tighter and tighter, I began to throw up more and more. Even though I would chew my food like crazy, my body became unable to tolerate many foods--most meats, breads, fruit and veggies, yogurt. I could eat crackers or chips, candy, a few odds and ends, but my options were limited. And it became essentially impossible for me to eat while sitting down--I guess my insides pressed on the band in a bad way when I was in a seated position. I would have to take a bite of food and walk around. Wait 5-10 minutes. Take another bite. And I still threw up a lot--several times a day, because my food would get "stuck" and wouldn't be able to go past the band. So the only other option was to come up.
I know. You're thinking--that's horrible! Why didn't you tell your doctor?
Why? Because, frankly, I was willing to pay that price to be the size that I was. I wanted to lose weight, and by jove, I lost it.
So, back to last August when I'm in the hospital, on vacation, being told that I have to have emergency surgery. Not only did I not want to PAY for another surgery, I didn't want to lose my Lap-band. But in the end, I didn't have a choice. They removed it. And my new life, my post-Lap-Band life began.
It hasn't been easy.
The first few weeks, I was ravenous. But what surprised me more than the hunger was the THIRST! I was THIRSTY all the time! So very, very thirsty. I honestly was probably drinking 2-3 GALLONS of water every day. I'm serious. I would pee every half an hour. Wake up 4-5 times at night to pee. It was crazy. I thought I was going insane.
When I got back to Texas and saw my doctor here, he was mad too that they removed my band. He also told me that my insane thirst and endless hunger were normal--that my body had been restricted for 3 1/2 years and now it was going to fight back. We talked briefly about other weight-loss surgeries, but at that time, I was too thin to qualify for any of them. Plus, I didn't want to pay all the money for YET ANOTHER surgery. So I told him that I was going to try and keep it off myself.
The pounds started creeping back on at an alarming rate.
But I discovered some good things too. I could eat again. I could eat fruit and veggies again. You have no idea how much I had missed eating salad! I could eat meat--chicken and shrimp had never tasted so good! I could sit down and eat. I could go to a restaurant and not have to excuse myself 2-3 times to go barf in the bathroom, or worry that the food would come up before I could get to the bathroom. I could drink water while I was driving somewhere (couldn't eat or drink ANYTHING in the car during the later end of my Lap-Band time).
And I didn't throw up anymore.
I started getting adventurous at the grocery store. I began exploring new vegetables--Brussell's Sprouts (have always hated them and now LOVE them), different types of squash, kale, etc. I bought a Vitamix Blender and started making green smoothies.
The pounds still kept coming back.
But I realized a few things. That for me, the Lap-Band was giving me a false-positive. Yes, I was losing weight. But I wasn't losing it the right way, the healthy way. I was losing weight because I could hardly eat or drink anything. I was losing fat but I was also losing muscle. My body was in survival mode, fighting for every calorie it could get.
That wasn't healthy. I wasn't healthy. I was thinner that I've been in a long time, but I wasn't healthy at all. I realize that now.
Now, I'm not saying that this is how it is for everyone with a Lap-Band. I know plenty of other people who have been able to continue to eat fruits and vegetable and lean proteins with their Lap-Bands. But I wasn't. Which is why my emergency surgery turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
So, I feel like I'm starting back at the beginning. Embarking on a NEW journey, to get healthy the old-fashioned way--by exercising and eating right. I no longer have a "helper" that tells me I'm full after eating only a small amount of food. I have to make conscious choices, measure things, and think before I eat.
And I am now, once again, focused on getting to a size/weight that I am comfortable with.
Let the (healthy) journey begin...
On January 18, 2010, I began a new life. I was very overweight (okay, grossly obese would be a better term) at that point, so I went in for surgery and had a Lap-Band put in. That day I vowed to change my life by eating healthier and exercising regularly. The day after my surgery, I started going on walks around my apartment complex. Three weeks later, when I was cleared by my doctor, I began the Couch to 5K training program in preparation for my first 5K.
I ran a half marathon in November 2010, and another in January 2012. Slowly but surely, the weight came off and I got my life back. I gained confidence. I started to actually LIKE shopping for clothes. I dated. I was happier than I had been in a long time. Things seemed to be finally going my way.
Last summer (2013), I was in Arizona visiting family and friends, just moments away from losing 100 lbs when my world came crashing down on me. I spent two days unable to keep down any food or water, and when I went to the hospital, I was told that my Lap-Band had slipped and they would have to remove it. This was 3 days before I was planning to drive back to Texas.
I cried.
I was rude and angry to the nursing staff.
I cried.
I begged the doctors not to remove it.
I cried.
I was mean to my mom (who was kind enough to be by my side in the emergency room and during this whole ordeal).
I cried more..
My precious weight loss, my new body, everything that I had worked so patiently for, was slipping through my fingers.
I was terrified. Terrified of gaining weight, of having my "little helper" taken away. And I was angry. SO ANGRY. SO VERY ANGRY!
Why did this have to happen to me? Isn't it bad enough that I struggle with my weight? Now I have to become one of the "complications with the Lap-Band" statistics? It just didn't seem fair!!!
Now, I do need to clue you in on some things before I tell you the rest of the story.
I loved having a Lap-Band. I still think that they are wonderful tools, and I would be happy to talk to anyone considering having weight-loss surgery. Getting a Lap-Band was one of the best decisions I have ever made. But it came with a price. As my Lap-Band got tighter and tighter, I began to throw up more and more. Even though I would chew my food like crazy, my body became unable to tolerate many foods--most meats, breads, fruit and veggies, yogurt. I could eat crackers or chips, candy, a few odds and ends, but my options were limited. And it became essentially impossible for me to eat while sitting down--I guess my insides pressed on the band in a bad way when I was in a seated position. I would have to take a bite of food and walk around. Wait 5-10 minutes. Take another bite. And I still threw up a lot--several times a day, because my food would get "stuck" and wouldn't be able to go past the band. So the only other option was to come up.
I know. You're thinking--that's horrible! Why didn't you tell your doctor?
Why? Because, frankly, I was willing to pay that price to be the size that I was. I wanted to lose weight, and by jove, I lost it.
So, back to last August when I'm in the hospital, on vacation, being told that I have to have emergency surgery. Not only did I not want to PAY for another surgery, I didn't want to lose my Lap-band. But in the end, I didn't have a choice. They removed it. And my new life, my post-Lap-Band life began.
It hasn't been easy.
The first few weeks, I was ravenous. But what surprised me more than the hunger was the THIRST! I was THIRSTY all the time! So very, very thirsty. I honestly was probably drinking 2-3 GALLONS of water every day. I'm serious. I would pee every half an hour. Wake up 4-5 times at night to pee. It was crazy. I thought I was going insane.
When I got back to Texas and saw my doctor here, he was mad too that they removed my band. He also told me that my insane thirst and endless hunger were normal--that my body had been restricted for 3 1/2 years and now it was going to fight back. We talked briefly about other weight-loss surgeries, but at that time, I was too thin to qualify for any of them. Plus, I didn't want to pay all the money for YET ANOTHER surgery. So I told him that I was going to try and keep it off myself.
The pounds started creeping back on at an alarming rate.
But I discovered some good things too. I could eat again. I could eat fruit and veggies again. You have no idea how much I had missed eating salad! I could eat meat--chicken and shrimp had never tasted so good! I could sit down and eat. I could go to a restaurant and not have to excuse myself 2-3 times to go barf in the bathroom, or worry that the food would come up before I could get to the bathroom. I could drink water while I was driving somewhere (couldn't eat or drink ANYTHING in the car during the later end of my Lap-Band time).
And I didn't throw up anymore.
I started getting adventurous at the grocery store. I began exploring new vegetables--Brussell's Sprouts (have always hated them and now LOVE them), different types of squash, kale, etc. I bought a Vitamix Blender and started making green smoothies.
The pounds still kept coming back.
But I realized a few things. That for me, the Lap-Band was giving me a false-positive. Yes, I was losing weight. But I wasn't losing it the right way, the healthy way. I was losing weight because I could hardly eat or drink anything. I was losing fat but I was also losing muscle. My body was in survival mode, fighting for every calorie it could get.
That wasn't healthy. I wasn't healthy. I was thinner that I've been in a long time, but I wasn't healthy at all. I realize that now.
Now, I'm not saying that this is how it is for everyone with a Lap-Band. I know plenty of other people who have been able to continue to eat fruits and vegetable and lean proteins with their Lap-Bands. But I wasn't. Which is why my emergency surgery turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
So, I feel like I'm starting back at the beginning. Embarking on a NEW journey, to get healthy the old-fashioned way--by exercising and eating right. I no longer have a "helper" that tells me I'm full after eating only a small amount of food. I have to make conscious choices, measure things, and think before I eat.
And I am now, once again, focused on getting to a size/weight that I am comfortable with.
Let the (healthy) journey begin...
Monday, September 16, 2013
Running Schizophrenic
Lately, I've been hearing voices in my head. A lot. Sadly, they don't tell me really useful things like where the treasure is buried or which stock to invest in to make millions. No. I hear NEGATIVE NELLIE voices. They say terrible things about me...You run too slow. Why bother going at all...you're never going to get in shape. It's too early to run. Just stay in bed and relax. Running is for skinny people...no one wants to see your chubs out there huffing and puffing. Give up now. It's too hard. Things are never going to change...
I'm not sure where these voices have come from, as I have a fairly confident sense of self (or at least, I thought I did). However, they have taken up residence in my head, and frankly, they are really starting to tick me off!
It's been a crazy month with school starting up again, and I am putting in crazy long hours at work but desperately trying to keep a balance in my life by exercising regularly. I might be tired sometimes but I am still enjoying the energy-boost afterglow of having had the summer off, so there really isn't any physical excuse not to go running. It's all mental.
I hear voices in my head.
And I need to get rid of them.
For some odd reason, 34 years into my life on earth, 9 years into my career, over a decade of living on my own, and suddenly, these voices are making me doubt myself, question my gumption, wonder about my resolve.
The other day, after berating myself for not exercising enough during the week, I managed to get out of bed fairly early on a Saturday morning (6:30 am). The voices told me to go back to bed, that it was too hot and muggy for a run and I didn't have it in me that morning. I had barely set foot out the door before the voices began complaining terribly. It was a typical sweltering Texas Saturday morning so the voices urged me to turn back, take a shorted route, return home quickly and find solace in the cool air conditioning of my apartment and the Blue Bell Ice Cream waiting so patiently for me in the freezer. I usually run at 5 am, so I don't often get to see the sun rise while I'm exercising. But that morning, I noticed something. The higher the sun rose, and the more I squinted and perspired, the QUIETER the NEGATIVE NELLIE voices got.
By mile 2, the voices were a hot, sweating, whimpering mess, and by mile 3, they had shut up completely!
During the last mile and a half of my walk, some new thoughts entered my head, Positive Polly thoughts congratulating me on getting out and exercising, marveling at how good it felt to push my body, smiling at how bright and beautiful the world felt that morning. My new-found confidence was brimming.
I was myself again.
Now, I'd like to tell you that I got rid of those NEGATIVE NELLIE voices once and for all, but not two days later they were back, creeping into my thoughts, whispering reminders of my failures and shortcomings, causing me to question myself. Annoyed, I tried to push them away but the harder I pushed, the louder they got, until they were practically screaming my fears and doubts, completely drowning out the Positive Polly thoughts that I had found just a few days ago.
Apparently, the only way to get rid of my NEGATIVE NELLIE voices is to SWEAT them out. So, off I went for a run again. I ran, and ran, and ran. I ran until those sweaty, overheated NEGATIVE NELLIE voices shut up and I was myself again, with the Positive Polly thoughts cheering me on.
There are a lot of reasons that I run.
Running is hard for me. Every. Single. Time. I am not a natural runner. I am not a fast runner. I never will be. But I run anyway.
I run to silence the NEGATIVE NELLIE voices.
Because running through my own internal "schizophrenia" is how I find myself.
I'm not sure where these voices have come from, as I have a fairly confident sense of self (or at least, I thought I did). However, they have taken up residence in my head, and frankly, they are really starting to tick me off!
It's been a crazy month with school starting up again, and I am putting in crazy long hours at work but desperately trying to keep a balance in my life by exercising regularly. I might be tired sometimes but I am still enjoying the energy-boost afterglow of having had the summer off, so there really isn't any physical excuse not to go running. It's all mental.
I hear voices in my head.
And I need to get rid of them.
For some odd reason, 34 years into my life on earth, 9 years into my career, over a decade of living on my own, and suddenly, these voices are making me doubt myself, question my gumption, wonder about my resolve.
The other day, after berating myself for not exercising enough during the week, I managed to get out of bed fairly early on a Saturday morning (6:30 am). The voices told me to go back to bed, that it was too hot and muggy for a run and I didn't have it in me that morning. I had barely set foot out the door before the voices began complaining terribly. It was a typical sweltering Texas Saturday morning so the voices urged me to turn back, take a shorted route, return home quickly and find solace in the cool air conditioning of my apartment and the Blue Bell Ice Cream waiting so patiently for me in the freezer. I usually run at 5 am, so I don't often get to see the sun rise while I'm exercising. But that morning, I noticed something. The higher the sun rose, and the more I squinted and perspired, the QUIETER the NEGATIVE NELLIE voices got.
By mile 2, the voices were a hot, sweating, whimpering mess, and by mile 3, they had shut up completely!
During the last mile and a half of my walk, some new thoughts entered my head, Positive Polly thoughts congratulating me on getting out and exercising, marveling at how good it felt to push my body, smiling at how bright and beautiful the world felt that morning. My new-found confidence was brimming.
I was myself again.
Now, I'd like to tell you that I got rid of those NEGATIVE NELLIE voices once and for all, but not two days later they were back, creeping into my thoughts, whispering reminders of my failures and shortcomings, causing me to question myself. Annoyed, I tried to push them away but the harder I pushed, the louder they got, until they were practically screaming my fears and doubts, completely drowning out the Positive Polly thoughts that I had found just a few days ago.
Apparently, the only way to get rid of my NEGATIVE NELLIE voices is to SWEAT them out. So, off I went for a run again. I ran, and ran, and ran. I ran until those sweaty, overheated NEGATIVE NELLIE voices shut up and I was myself again, with the Positive Polly thoughts cheering me on.
There are a lot of reasons that I run.
Running is hard for me. Every. Single. Time. I am not a natural runner. I am not a fast runner. I never will be. But I run anyway.
I run to silence the NEGATIVE NELLIE voices.
Because running through my own internal "schizophrenia" is how I find myself.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
You Know You're Crazy, I mean, a Runner, when...
So, I'm back. After a loooong hiatus, of both running and writing, I am back. Why? Because I just can't stay away. From either.
Now, I know a lot of people out there hate running. It's hot. Boring. Time consuming. Sweaty. Mindless. Mundane. Something to avoid at all costs.
But I have a secret. A shameful secret. One that will shock many of you, cause others to roll their eyes, and just plain annoy some.
I LOVE RUNNING!
I'm talking full blown, no-holds-barred, unashamed, heart-body-and-soul, with every fiber of my being LOVE running. Imagine hearing elementary school yard sing-song kids saying, "If you love running so much, why don't you marry it???" Let me tell you, if could marry running, I WOULD! Why? Because nothing shy of my testimony of my Savior Jesus Christ brings me the level of inner peace, serenity, mental clarity, emotional stability and just pure happiness as running does.
So, my family, friends, and former roommates can all attest to the fact that I am in no way, shape, or form, a morning person. I hate waking up--don't even think about trying to talk to me until I've brushed my teeth and been awake for at least an hour. Yet, lately I have found myself waking up at the unearthly hour of 4:50 am with a SMILE on my face.
Literally.
I. Wake. Up. Smiling!
Who does that? I mean, besides mentally unstable people, or folks who live in specials institutions where the walls are padded and they have special jackets that zip up in the back.
I do. Why? Because I'm so excited to go running. Because my body can't wait to be physically pushed and my mind can't wait for time to process my thoughts, feelings and ideas. I crave it. I wake up 10 minutes before my alarm is set to go off. My body absolutely cannot wait to get moving.
It's INSANE, I know!
But instead of trying to fight it, to roll over and try and go back to sleep, to force the feeling away, to lose myself in other things, I have decided to EMBRACE MY CRAZY and own it.
I am a RUNNER.
I don't run fast. I walk and run, and sometimes my "runs" consists of far more walking than running. I don't run every single day, every single week, or even every single month. I've gone through periods of running and periods of not running. But, though it may take days, weeks or even months, I always come back to RUNNING. Why?
Because I am crazy a RUNNER.
And that's just how I roll.
Monday, July 16, 2012
I thought calories didn't count on vacation...
So, I've been on "Summer Break" for 6 weeks now. I started this summer off with my cousin coming to visit me in Houston. Of course, I had to show her all the best that Houston has to offer--BBQ from Goode and Company, Gyros from Niko Nikos, Blue Bell Ice Cream (I always keep some in my freezer), and my personal favorite: The Chocolate Bar. I told myself--you're on vacation. Enjoy yourself. And so, I did.
Then, my cousin and I headed down to Corpus Christi to meet my family for some deep-sea fishing. We went out for sea food one day, celebrated my dad's birthday with ice cream from Baskin Robins, and of course, feasted on the homemade cookies that I had brought to share with everyone on the trip.
After that, we were headed out in my car for the 1200 mile drive to Houston. We had a blast, singing along with our tunes, sharing stories, laughing as we relived family times of the past. And of course, when we stopped in Las Cruces for the night, we had to get some of the local New Mexican cuisine. A dinner at La Posta Mesilla was everything we could have hoped for and more. We stuffed ourselves with chile relleno, tamales, enchiladas, and more. It was absolutely heavenly.
When we finally got to Arizona, where I am spending my summer, I had to hit up all my old favorite restaurants. So, slowly, over the past several weeks, I've patroned Tia Rosa's, Costa Vida, Aloha Kitchen, Sweetcakes, Mango's, Trader Joe's and more.
This morning, when I got on the scale, I had a rude awakening. All those calories are finally starting to catch up to me; my "muffin top" has been getting a little more "muffin-y."
HOLY SMOKES!?!
I thought you didn't have to count calories when you were on vacation!!!
How did I let this happen?
Well, it all started when I let my "vacation mode" take over reality. You see, it's okay to indulge sometimes. On occasion, you can have that ice cream sundae, the chips and salsa, the cheese fries, the greasy burger. It's when your "occasion" starts becoming a daily occurrence that you start to have problems. I've also noticed that once you let yourself get into "indulgence mode," you actually stop appreciating the food that you have; you stop really tasting it and enjoying it. You get caught up in the emotion of it and you let that take over. You stop eating because you're hungry and you need fuel. Instead, you eat to feel that emotion again.
I can see why people become drug addicts. There is something wonderful about letting go of yourself and letting your emotions take over--the need to "feel good" that food (or drugs) can bring. Something so freeing about giving the control to the substance--be it heroin or ice cream, marijuana or fettuccine alfredo.
What sucks is coming back to reality--and having to face the music. Knowing that you've just consumed WAY more calories than is necessary; having your clothes feel tighter the next morning, your arms feel more jiggly and less toned, watching the scale numbers jump up, higher and higher.
I have fallen off the BAND WAGON these past 6 weeks. And enough is enough! I am not on "vacation" anymore! You can't be in "vacation" eating mode when your vacation is TWO MONTHS LONG! It doesn't matter that I am about to head out to NYC and San Francisco, two cities with some of the most amazing food in the world. My life is not "vacation mode." My life is MODERATION in ALL things. Regular exercise. Control. I need to be in control, and not let the "feel good" emotions take over. I need to count calories, pay attention to portion sizes, and learn to say no. I can enjoy life without eating every single bite of delicious food that I come across.
Instead of "say no to drugs," my motto for the next few weeks is going to be "say no to bread and sugar." I'm not saying I will never eat bread or any form of sugar again. That would be absurd. But I am saying that I need to keep my distance, reacquaint myself with my good buddies "fruit, vegetables, and chewing gum" to stave off those hunger pangs. After all, this is my LIFE, not just my vacation.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I just saw the BAND WAGON turning left at the corner. I'm going to have to run to catch it, but it's about time I jumped back on...
Then, my cousin and I headed down to Corpus Christi to meet my family for some deep-sea fishing. We went out for sea food one day, celebrated my dad's birthday with ice cream from Baskin Robins, and of course, feasted on the homemade cookies that I had brought to share with everyone on the trip.
After that, we were headed out in my car for the 1200 mile drive to Houston. We had a blast, singing along with our tunes, sharing stories, laughing as we relived family times of the past. And of course, when we stopped in Las Cruces for the night, we had to get some of the local New Mexican cuisine. A dinner at La Posta Mesilla was everything we could have hoped for and more. We stuffed ourselves with chile relleno, tamales, enchiladas, and more. It was absolutely heavenly.
When we finally got to Arizona, where I am spending my summer, I had to hit up all my old favorite restaurants. So, slowly, over the past several weeks, I've patroned Tia Rosa's, Costa Vida, Aloha Kitchen, Sweetcakes, Mango's, Trader Joe's and more.
This morning, when I got on the scale, I had a rude awakening. All those calories are finally starting to catch up to me; my "muffin top" has been getting a little more "muffin-y."
HOLY SMOKES!?!
I thought you didn't have to count calories when you were on vacation!!!
How did I let this happen?
Well, it all started when I let my "vacation mode" take over reality. You see, it's okay to indulge sometimes. On occasion, you can have that ice cream sundae, the chips and salsa, the cheese fries, the greasy burger. It's when your "occasion" starts becoming a daily occurrence that you start to have problems. I've also noticed that once you let yourself get into "indulgence mode," you actually stop appreciating the food that you have; you stop really tasting it and enjoying it. You get caught up in the emotion of it and you let that take over. You stop eating because you're hungry and you need fuel. Instead, you eat to feel that emotion again.
I can see why people become drug addicts. There is something wonderful about letting go of yourself and letting your emotions take over--the need to "feel good" that food (or drugs) can bring. Something so freeing about giving the control to the substance--be it heroin or ice cream, marijuana or fettuccine alfredo.
What sucks is coming back to reality--and having to face the music. Knowing that you've just consumed WAY more calories than is necessary; having your clothes feel tighter the next morning, your arms feel more jiggly and less toned, watching the scale numbers jump up, higher and higher.
I have fallen off the BAND WAGON these past 6 weeks. And enough is enough! I am not on "vacation" anymore! You can't be in "vacation" eating mode when your vacation is TWO MONTHS LONG! It doesn't matter that I am about to head out to NYC and San Francisco, two cities with some of the most amazing food in the world. My life is not "vacation mode." My life is MODERATION in ALL things. Regular exercise. Control. I need to be in control, and not let the "feel good" emotions take over. I need to count calories, pay attention to portion sizes, and learn to say no. I can enjoy life without eating every single bite of delicious food that I come across.
Instead of "say no to drugs," my motto for the next few weeks is going to be "say no to bread and sugar." I'm not saying I will never eat bread or any form of sugar again. That would be absurd. But I am saying that I need to keep my distance, reacquaint myself with my good buddies "fruit, vegetables, and chewing gum" to stave off those hunger pangs. After all, this is my LIFE, not just my vacation.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I just saw the BAND WAGON turning left at the corner. I'm going to have to run to catch it, but it's about time I jumped back on...
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Wanted: One Fairy Godmother...
So, because my name is Anela, I'm the only girl in my family, have three brothers, and consequently, got stuck doing the bulk of the cooking and cleaning when I was a kid, my family has jokingly referred to me as "Cinder-Anela" for many years now. I am totally okay with this nickname; I just wish it came with the Fairy Godmother, Handsome Prince, beautiful dress, awesome shoes, and domestic rodents to help a girl out when she gets behind on her chores...
So, I've been thinking a lot about the story of Cinderella this week. Especially the part about the Fairy Godmother. I like that part. Who doesn't? She comes along with her magic wand, sings "bippity, boppity boo" and BAM! Cinderella has a fabulous one-of-a-kind dress, killer designer shoes, and a sweet ride to the Ball.
Last week I blogged about being a WINNER or a WHINER. I had this great epiphany about exercising and life, wrote it all down, and was totally pumped to start living my new life as a WINNER. I got up Monday morning, bright and early, and went running. WINNER. I got up Wednesday morning, bright and early, and went running. WINNER again! Friday morning...I hit the snooze button and went back to sleep. Uh oh. I was back to being a WHINER. Saturday morning...same thing. Sleep. No running. WHINER again! How could I have lost my motivation when it was so strong earlier in the week?!?
So, instead of simply getting out of bed and getting moving, I laid there, wishing for a Fairy Godmother who would come and bestow upon me the desire to run, who would magically transform my jiggly body to a super-toned running machine, who would give me energy to wake in the wee sma's of the morning, make me resistant to the heat of the summer, and basically, force my lazy butt out on the road. I mean, really. Having a Fairy Godmother would totally take the pressure off of me. My only job would be to lay around and be...deserving. And she would come along and do all the work and transform me into my dream--a RUNNER. A WINNER.
Then I started thinking more about the movie. More about Cinderella's life. Here she was, stuck doing all the chores while her step-mother and step-sisters lazed around all day. In fact, before the Fairy Godmother had come along to help her out, Cinderella has washed the floors, done the laundry, and finished all of the other cleaning and such. All on her own (well, with a little bit of help from the mice). The Fairy Godmother only came along after Cinderella's cruel step-mother and step-sisters had robbed her of her dress to wear to the ball--AFTER Cinderella had done all that she could to fulfill her own dream.
So, I guess the Fairy Godmother didn't do that much work, after all. All along, it was Cinderella who put in the time and effort, day in and day out. She worked for years before she finally got her Happily Ever After with Prince Charming. She spent much of her life working to become the woman who the Prince fell in love with. Her dream was all her own. The Fairy Godmother just came along and spruced her up so she was ready to find her place in her new life.
I've learned a lot from Cinderella.
This morning, my alarm went off only three and a half hours after I had gone to sleep. Of all days, this was one where I could have found justification in hitting snooze and going back to sleep. And yet, I didn't. I got up, get my gear on, and went out for a run. The combination of the heat (it was already 90ยบ outside at 5:30 am) and my sleep deprivation resulted in what was not my best run, by far. But I went. I toughed it out. This morning, I was a WINNER.
As I ran, I thought about all of these things. I realized that no Fairy Godmother is coming to wave her magic wand and "make" me into a RUNNER. If I want to be a RUNNER, then, by jove, I'm going to have to get out there and make it happen. Like Cinderella, I'm going to have to work day in and day out for years. I'm going to have to make it happen in spite of the "step-mothers" and "step-sisters" of the world who will think that being a RUNNER is not something I can achieve.
While I am still far from being a perfect WINNER, and have plenty of WHINER days, I am proud of the fact that, in spite of my WHINING moments, I keep coming back to the desire to get out there and run. I may go for days, weeks, or even months without running. But I keep coming back to it. I keep finding myself wanting to be a RUNNER. This brings to mind a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson. He said, "That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing itself has changed, but that our power to do is increased."
And so, I persist. As often as I can. I work each day to try and overcome mental and physical blocks; I lace up my shoes and I go run.
One of these days, maybe my Fairy Godmother will show up. But I hope she finds an empty house...because that will mean that I'm out for a run. Cinder-Anela. Taking control of my own destiny.
So, I've been thinking a lot about the story of Cinderella this week. Especially the part about the Fairy Godmother. I like that part. Who doesn't? She comes along with her magic wand, sings "bippity, boppity boo" and BAM! Cinderella has a fabulous one-of-a-kind dress, killer designer shoes, and a sweet ride to the Ball.
Last week I blogged about being a WINNER or a WHINER. I had this great epiphany about exercising and life, wrote it all down, and was totally pumped to start living my new life as a WINNER. I got up Monday morning, bright and early, and went running. WINNER. I got up Wednesday morning, bright and early, and went running. WINNER again! Friday morning...I hit the snooze button and went back to sleep. Uh oh. I was back to being a WHINER. Saturday morning...same thing. Sleep. No running. WHINER again! How could I have lost my motivation when it was so strong earlier in the week?!?
So, instead of simply getting out of bed and getting moving, I laid there, wishing for a Fairy Godmother who would come and bestow upon me the desire to run, who would magically transform my jiggly body to a super-toned running machine, who would give me energy to wake in the wee sma's of the morning, make me resistant to the heat of the summer, and basically, force my lazy butt out on the road. I mean, really. Having a Fairy Godmother would totally take the pressure off of me. My only job would be to lay around and be...deserving. And she would come along and do all the work and transform me into my dream--a RUNNER. A WINNER.
Then I started thinking more about the movie. More about Cinderella's life. Here she was, stuck doing all the chores while her step-mother and step-sisters lazed around all day. In fact, before the Fairy Godmother had come along to help her out, Cinderella has washed the floors, done the laundry, and finished all of the other cleaning and such. All on her own (well, with a little bit of help from the mice). The Fairy Godmother only came along after Cinderella's cruel step-mother and step-sisters had robbed her of her dress to wear to the ball--AFTER Cinderella had done all that she could to fulfill her own dream.
So, I guess the Fairy Godmother didn't do that much work, after all. All along, it was Cinderella who put in the time and effort, day in and day out. She worked for years before she finally got her Happily Ever After with Prince Charming. She spent much of her life working to become the woman who the Prince fell in love with. Her dream was all her own. The Fairy Godmother just came along and spruced her up so she was ready to find her place in her new life.
I've learned a lot from Cinderella.
This morning, my alarm went off only three and a half hours after I had gone to sleep. Of all days, this was one where I could have found justification in hitting snooze and going back to sleep. And yet, I didn't. I got up, get my gear on, and went out for a run. The combination of the heat (it was already 90ยบ outside at 5:30 am) and my sleep deprivation resulted in what was not my best run, by far. But I went. I toughed it out. This morning, I was a WINNER.
As I ran, I thought about all of these things. I realized that no Fairy Godmother is coming to wave her magic wand and "make" me into a RUNNER. If I want to be a RUNNER, then, by jove, I'm going to have to get out there and make it happen. Like Cinderella, I'm going to have to work day in and day out for years. I'm going to have to make it happen in spite of the "step-mothers" and "step-sisters" of the world who will think that being a RUNNER is not something I can achieve.
While I am still far from being a perfect WINNER, and have plenty of WHINER days, I am proud of the fact that, in spite of my WHINING moments, I keep coming back to the desire to get out there and run. I may go for days, weeks, or even months without running. But I keep coming back to it. I keep finding myself wanting to be a RUNNER. This brings to mind a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson. He said, "That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing itself has changed, but that our power to do is increased."
And so, I persist. As often as I can. I work each day to try and overcome mental and physical blocks; I lace up my shoes and I go run.
One of these days, maybe my Fairy Godmother will show up. But I hope she finds an empty house...because that will mean that I'm out for a run. Cinder-Anela. Taking control of my own destiny.
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