Running Schizophrenic

Lately, I've been hearing voices in my head.  A lot.  Sadly, they don't tell me really useful things like where the treasure is buried or which stock to invest in to make millions.  No.  I hear NEGATIVE NELLIE voices.  They say terrible things about me...You run too slow.  Why bother going at all...you're never going to get in shape. It's too early to run.  Just stay in bed and relax.  Running is for skinny people...no one wants to see your chubs out there huffing and puffing.  Give up now.  It's too hard. Things are never going to change...

I'm not sure where these voices have come from, as I have a fairly confident sense of self (or at least, I thought I did).  However, they have taken up residence in my head, and frankly, they are really starting to tick me off!

It's been a crazy month with school starting up again, and I am putting in crazy long hours at work but desperately trying to keep a balance in my life by exercising regularly.  I might be tired sometimes but I am still enjoying the energy-boost afterglow of having had the summer off, so there really isn't any physical excuse not to go running.  It's all mental.

I hear voices in my head.

And I need to get rid of them.

For some odd reason, 34 years into my life on earth, 9 years into my career, over a decade of living on my own, and suddenly, these voices are making me doubt myself, question my gumption, wonder about my resolve.

The other day, after berating myself for not exercising enough during the week, I managed to get out of bed fairly early on a Saturday morning (6:30 am).  The voices told me to go back to bed, that it was too hot and muggy for a run and I didn't have it in me that morning.  I had barely set foot out the door before the voices began complaining terribly.  It was a typical sweltering Texas Saturday morning so the voices urged me to turn back, take a shorted route, return home quickly and find solace in the cool air conditioning of my apartment and the Blue Bell Ice Cream waiting so patiently for me in the freezer.  I usually run at 5 am, so I don't often get to see the sun rise while I'm exercising.  But that morning, I noticed something.  The higher the sun rose, and the more I squinted and perspired, the QUIETER the NEGATIVE NELLIE voices got.

By mile 2, the voices were a hot, sweating, whimpering mess, and by mile 3, they had shut up completely!

During the last mile and a half of my walk, some new thoughts entered my head, Positive Polly thoughts congratulating me on getting out and exercising, marveling at how good it felt to push my body, smiling at how bright and beautiful the world felt that morning.  My new-found confidence was brimming.

I was myself again.

Now, I'd like to tell you that I got rid of those NEGATIVE NELLIE voices once and for all, but not two days later they were back, creeping into my thoughts, whispering reminders of my failures and shortcomings, causing me to question myself. Annoyed, I tried to push them away but the harder I pushed, the louder they got, until they were practically screaming my fears and doubts, completely drowning out the Positive Polly thoughts that I had found just a few days ago.

Apparently, the only way to get rid of my NEGATIVE NELLIE voices is to SWEAT them out.  So, off I went for a run again.  I ran, and ran, and ran.  I ran until those sweaty, overheated NEGATIVE NELLIE voices shut up and I was myself again, with the Positive Polly thoughts cheering me on.

There are a lot of reasons that I run.

Running is hard for me.  Every.  Single.  Time.  I am not a natural runner. I am not a fast runner. I never will be.  But I run anyway.

I run to silence the NEGATIVE NELLIE voices.

Because running through my own internal "schizophrenia" is how I find myself.