Fighting the Funk

I don't know if anyone else out there watches NBC's "The Biggest Loser," but I personally find it to be one of the most inspiring shows on television. And yes, I cry like a dang baby all through each and every episode. Why? Because I know exactly how these people feel, only I don't have Bob and Jillian there to scream at me and make me face my issues. I have to find a way to FIGHT the FUNK all on my own.

As I recently wrote, I've been in a bit of a FUNK lately. Anyone who has dealt with obesity and weight issues knows it's far more MENTAL and EMOTIONAL than it is PHYSICAL. So my journey is all about identifying unhealthy MENTAL and EMOTIONAL things and fixing them so they stop negatively impacting my PHYSICAL well-being.

One thing that I have realized I tend to do when stressed out is to eat. And it's not like I crave a nice healthy bowl of fruit, or a low-fat salad, or crisp veggies. When I am stressed I want high-calorie food and I want it NOW! I find that very interesting. I was thinking about why I crave those horrible foods and then it hit me. I'm no medical expert, but I know that eating food produces endorphins and things in our brains. So when I am stressed and want to escape from the pain or the fear or whatever, I eat. And I mean, I shovel food down like a mindless machine. I eat, and eat, and eat.

Why?

Because I am trying to NUMB the pain or emotions that I am feeling. FOOD, in large quantities (particularly large quantities of the super-fattening variety) NUMBS my mind and my emotions, and offers a brief escape from the pains of life.

Reflecting on NUMBNESS reminds me of a time in my life when things were not so good for me, spiritually. For a long time, I was NUMB, unable to really feel or process emotions. The good part of being emotionally NUMB is that I was no longer able to feel pain. The bad part, though, of being NUMB is that I also lost the ability to feel joy or happiness. I remember months and months of just feeling nothing. After all the pain that I had felt, initially being NUMB was a relief. However, as time when on, I realized how much I was missing out on by my inability to feel. And how much I wanted my life back...the good and the bad.

I am slowly starting to realize that this same concept is true when it comes to FOOD. When I mindlessly sit at the table, eating spoonful after spoonful of fattening food, I am trying to bury the pain or stress or fear that I'm experiencing. But the NUMBNESS that comes with overeating also masks the joy and exhilaration of the good things in life.

So part of FIGHTING the FUNK means allowing myself to feel and taste (forgive the pun) all of life, the good and the bad. I cannot let food take over and NUMB my experiences, but rather use food, like a spice, to enhance the already rich flavors of my life. It is possible to eat and enjoy life without succumbing to temptation of overeating myself into a NUMB stupor.

A major reason that I am writing this blog is to be accountable to myself, and to the few people who read this, for my actions. I'm not on "The Biggest Loser." I don't have personal trainers like Bob and Jillian here to make sure I work out and eat properly. I don't have a house full of other contestants watching every bite I take. I don't have cameras rolling, streaming my calorie choices into million of households. I am beholden to no one.

Which is why I am here, baring my soul as a record and a testament of who I am, my struggles, my setbacks, my triumphs, my disappointments, my realizations, my ups and my downs. Maybe, just maybe, something that I say will resonate with someone else out there, and then it won't just be me changing my life--it will be two of us. And then three. And then four. And then maybe, someday, a whole lot more people will be LIVING their lives, instead of trying to NUMB themselves through their time on earth.

It's time to shake off the shackles of NUMBNESS. Don't be afraid of the pains of life, because experiencing the pains, frustrations and disappointments will make the successes and triumphs soooo much SWEETER. And we're talking calorie-free SWEET--the very best kind!

Wanted: Scapegoat

Lately, I have found myself in a funk. Not just an exercise funk, but a LIFE funk. What has been more frustrating than being in the funk is my confusion as to WHY I am there. Because NOTHING in my life has changed. I still have a great job. I still have wonderful, supportive colleagues who are more than just co-workers, they are my friends. I still have a fantastic family that includes the world's cutest nieces and nephews. I still have an awesome apartment where thing are clean and everything is done "my way" (ahhh, the perks of living alone!). I still have my faith in God and His plan for my life. I still have great friends who support me in all that I do. I still have a healthy body that is 55 lbs lighter than it was back in January. NOTHING has changed....and I'm beginning to think that THIS IS, in fact, the problem, the reason that I am in a funk.

Nothing has changed...except that, in addition to losing those 55 lbs, I have also lost my dear friend, SCAPEGOAT.

You see, my whole life has been spent trying to deal with the problem of being overweight. So, for as long as I can remember, I have been blaming (consciously or not) all of my problems in life on being overweight. OVERWEIGHT=SCAPEGOAT

As I began my new life this year, exercising and eating more healthy, I was sure that my life was going to change. After all, that's what I was doing--taking control of my health, and therefore, taking control of my life. Those first couple of months were tough, but I was moving forward at a good pace, really disciplining myself, and so happy to finally start seeing results. It was great. It was wonderful. The thrill of hitting that 50 lb mark was awesome...

And then reality started to hit. And has kept on hitting.

You see, losing weight has not changed anything for me. My job is the same. My friends are the same. My social life (or lack thereof) is the same.

The only thing that has changed is that I've eliminated my SCAPEGOAT. I can no longer blame my "problems" on my weight. I've hit a huge stumbling block, because at this point, subconsciously I am thinking "hey, why lose any more weight if it's not going to change anything?" It's not that I want to GAIN back those 55 lbs. HELL NO! It's just that right now, it's not that hard to maintain my weight where I'm at. I'm still overweight, but I am a lot healthier than I used to be. I can work out a few days a week, eat some healthy food, and then have several TREATS or SNACKS, and stay right where I am. That would be very easy. Heck, I've been here for a few months, sitting right around the same weight, in a holding-pattern.

I've tried to mentally break through the wall, but as soon as I start to see success (clothes fit looser, drop another few lbs on the scale), I go out an SABOTAGE myself by eating a bunch of junk, or skipping work-outs.

WHY??? Why do I do this to myself???

Because...I'm afraid. I don't know how to live without a SCAPEGOAT. So, if I were to be successful, keep losing weight, and finally get to my SKINNY weight...then what? What happens THEN when I'm still working the same job, still have the same friends, and still have the same social life (or lack thereof)?

What happens when I'm SKINNY and NOTHING has CHANGED???

That's my block. That's the funk that I'm in. That's the wall that I need to break through. That's my new hurdle.

I don't have the answers. At least, with the help of my BFF, I've finally been able to identify what's causing my funk.

I just have to keep moving forward. I have to learn how to live life WITHOUT a SCAPEGOAT.

I am planning on beating this. On overcoming this obstacle to my success. On learning how to take two steps forward without having to take one step back. On not self-sabotaging. On forgetting all about SCAPEGOATS.

I plan to accomplish this one mile at a time...