Wanted: Scapegoat

Lately, I have found myself in a funk. Not just an exercise funk, but a LIFE funk. What has been more frustrating than being in the funk is my confusion as to WHY I am there. Because NOTHING in my life has changed. I still have a great job. I still have wonderful, supportive colleagues who are more than just co-workers, they are my friends. I still have a fantastic family that includes the world's cutest nieces and nephews. I still have an awesome apartment where thing are clean and everything is done "my way" (ahhh, the perks of living alone!). I still have my faith in God and His plan for my life. I still have great friends who support me in all that I do. I still have a healthy body that is 55 lbs lighter than it was back in January. NOTHING has changed....and I'm beginning to think that THIS IS, in fact, the problem, the reason that I am in a funk.

Nothing has changed...except that, in addition to losing those 55 lbs, I have also lost my dear friend, SCAPEGOAT.

You see, my whole life has been spent trying to deal with the problem of being overweight. So, for as long as I can remember, I have been blaming (consciously or not) all of my problems in life on being overweight. OVERWEIGHT=SCAPEGOAT

As I began my new life this year, exercising and eating more healthy, I was sure that my life was going to change. After all, that's what I was doing--taking control of my health, and therefore, taking control of my life. Those first couple of months were tough, but I was moving forward at a good pace, really disciplining myself, and so happy to finally start seeing results. It was great. It was wonderful. The thrill of hitting that 50 lb mark was awesome...

And then reality started to hit. And has kept on hitting.

You see, losing weight has not changed anything for me. My job is the same. My friends are the same. My social life (or lack thereof) is the same.

The only thing that has changed is that I've eliminated my SCAPEGOAT. I can no longer blame my "problems" on my weight. I've hit a huge stumbling block, because at this point, subconsciously I am thinking "hey, why lose any more weight if it's not going to change anything?" It's not that I want to GAIN back those 55 lbs. HELL NO! It's just that right now, it's not that hard to maintain my weight where I'm at. I'm still overweight, but I am a lot healthier than I used to be. I can work out a few days a week, eat some healthy food, and then have several TREATS or SNACKS, and stay right where I am. That would be very easy. Heck, I've been here for a few months, sitting right around the same weight, in a holding-pattern.

I've tried to mentally break through the wall, but as soon as I start to see success (clothes fit looser, drop another few lbs on the scale), I go out an SABOTAGE myself by eating a bunch of junk, or skipping work-outs.

WHY??? Why do I do this to myself???

Because...I'm afraid. I don't know how to live without a SCAPEGOAT. So, if I were to be successful, keep losing weight, and finally get to my SKINNY weight...then what? What happens THEN when I'm still working the same job, still have the same friends, and still have the same social life (or lack thereof)?

What happens when I'm SKINNY and NOTHING has CHANGED???

That's my block. That's the funk that I'm in. That's the wall that I need to break through. That's my new hurdle.

I don't have the answers. At least, with the help of my BFF, I've finally been able to identify what's causing my funk.

I just have to keep moving forward. I have to learn how to live life WITHOUT a SCAPEGOAT.

I am planning on beating this. On overcoming this obstacle to my success. On learning how to take two steps forward without having to take one step back. On not self-sabotaging. On forgetting all about SCAPEGOATS.

I plan to accomplish this one mile at a time...