Counting the Costs

I have had a lot of leisure time this summer to reflect on my life--what's going well, and what needs to be re-shaped. It's been a great summer, filled with thousands of miles on the road, visits to family and friends, cruising with Disney to the Bahamas, and, much to my chagrin, picking up some unwanted stowaways--several Extra Pounds (EPs) that seem to have attached themselves to my stomach, butt and thighs.

Really, what did I expect. 

I went from a spring of working out at CrossFit 3 times/week and cooking mostly at home (a diet rich in veggies and lean meat, fruit and nuts, with only an occasional indulgence of M&Ms or ice cream), to eating out every day on the road and not exercising at all.

Sometimes, I'm a bit delusional.  

I get the idea in my silly little head that one of these days, magically, my body and metabolism are going to POOF! shift and I'm going to suddenly be able to eat whatever I want without gaining any weight or losing any muscle.

Ha.

In my dreams.

I am not Rich Froning.  

I need to face the facts.  

I will ALWAYS, EVERY SINGLE DAY have to monitor each morsel of food that passes through my lips.    

That is never, EVER going to change.

Pardon me while I sit here and pout a little bit. Shake my fist at the sky and ask, "Why, God?  Why will it always have to be so hard for me?" Cry over the M&Ms that I love so much. Mourn for all the Sonic Milkshakes that I will not get to consume. Throw myself on the floor in a tantrum over the Gummy Bears and Cinnamon cake at Sprouts that I will have to ignore every time I go shopping.

It sucks.

Let me just take a moment to own the fact that it really, really sucks.  

A lot.

I love food. I don't just eat to live. I live to eat. Food has always brought me immense joy. It's a huge part of my identity, of who I am.  

But...there is a cost for my indulgence.  

Eating whatever I want, whenever I want, will result in a body that I am not willing to live with. Already, these EPs that I've picked up over the past two months are costing me way too much--clothes that don't fit comfortably, slower WOD times, more pressure on my joints, and, most upsetting, the erosion of my self-confidence.  

As much as I love food, it's time for me to face the music: I CANNOT afford these EPs.  In any way.

Financially--I don't have the money to run out and buy a whole new wardrobe because my clothes are too small.

Physically--I can seriously FEEL how much more my body is having to work to carry around these extra EPs. My CF times are slower. Everything is harder. My joints hurt more. No bueno.

Emotionally--I hate how carrying these EPs around is making me less sure of myself.  I am more shy, and less inclined to be social. All because I don't like the way that I look.  

Mentally--Carrying around these EPs makes me dread working out, because I know it's going to be challenging. Which, along with my eroded self-confidence, means I'm not pushing myself as hard when I do exercise. 

So...it's time to pay the Piper. I had my fun. A summer of indulging, of not thinking about what I was eating.

The cost now is that I have to be super conscious of every single bite of food that goes in my mouth. No more "moderation." Nope, the price of my indulgence is that I have to be super strict about my diet, and exercise more than ever in order to lose these pesky EPs.  

I will do it.

I have to.

But the cost...

Next time I see a bag of M&Ms, or drive by Sonic, I need to remember that right now, these treats are out of my caloric price range, and that the cost, the EPs, simply aren't worth it.