Redefining Some Things

One of my best friends has been dealing with an obscure form of cancer for over 10 years now. She and I have had many conversations about it, and recently she sent me an interesting article about the Linguistics of Cancer. That article got me thinking about a lot of things in my own life, and I've come to some significant conclusions.

Most of my life, my body description has ranged from "chubby" to "significantly overweight." There have been only a few brief periods of "only a little chubby." NEVER, EVER have I described myself as having a "normal" body size.

Much of my time and energy is spent focusing on what I need to change--how my stomach is too squishy, my arms too flabby, my thighs too jiggly, how I ate too much for dinner, had a second bite of cupcake when I shouldn't have, didn't get up to exercise, wish that I had gone for a walk last night (despite the heat, humidity, and swarms of mosquitoes). I make excuse after excuse, and then mentally berate myself for not being stronger, for falling short in so many physical areas. When I step on the scale, instead of rejoicing over the 2 lbs lost since last week, I only see the 50 more lbs I want to lose, and silently slap myself thinking, "if I hadn't had ANY cookies this week, and had stayed away from the bacon all together, maybe I would have lost THREE lbs instead of just TWO."

Seriously, people. What the hell is wrong with me?!?!

I am CHUBBY. It's true. That is a word that can be used to honestly describe my body.

But you know what else I am?

I am: a good friend, loyal, patient, funny, adventurous, loving, a seeker of knowledge, a leader, a teacher, strong, faithful, a baker of delicious chocolate-chip cookies, a traveler, a researcher. I am a daughter, an aunt, a sister, a friend. I love to laugh, loud and often. I enjoy helping people, whether that be providing a meal, donating money to a cause, buying a gift, meeting a friend for lunch, lending a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. I live life to the fullest, always looking for ways to learn, grow, and improve myself. I enjoy photography, cooking, reading, and planning trips to see the world. I chat with friends, old and new, over the phone, over dinner, over pedicures. I am thinking about going back to school, my job, my future career. I research and explore options fully before making decisions. I am strong-willed, stubborn, a fiercely loyal friend, a champion of those I care about. I am smart, enjoy being intellectually challenged, like lifting weights, love my CrossFit family. I also like to try new foods, cook, bake sweets, and generally enjoy life.

And yes, I am CHUBBY.

But why in the world am I letting ONE SMALL characteristic of myself overshadow the MANY, MANY other things that make me who I am???

Let me tell you something. My nieces and nephews, whom I love more than anything else in this world...well, they don't seem to care whether I'm chubby or not. They didn't love me any more when I was less chubby, and they sure don't love me any less now that my waistline has expanded. To them, I am simply Aunt Anela, a favorite.

My friends haven't stopped hanging out with me just because my pants size is larger than it used to be.

No one at works seems to think me any less capable of teaching now that my chin has a chin of its own. Parents haven't complained about their child's CHUBBY teacher. My performance reviews have all been excellent, despite the weight I have gained.

The summer camp that I'm working for had no problems hiring my CHUBBY self. They haven't seemed to mind my jiggly arms, or the cellulite on my legs. My CHUBBINESS has in no way impacted my ability to be a confident Camp Director, a coach to my staff, a liaison to Rice University, and a face that parents trust to take care of their children.

My dear friend and I have talked a lot about her cancer, how it's something she has and deals with, but it's also not her defining characteristic, and she refuses to let it take over who she is as a person.

I am here to do the same with my own struggle, being CHUBBY. Yes, I am CHUBBY. It's true. I deal with it the best I can, always fighting to be healthy and work to overcome this obstacle in my life.

But I am SO MUCH MORE than just CHUBBY. That is such a tiny part of what makes me uniquely Anela.

Another good friend of mine introduced me to the WYCWYC movement--doing What You Can, When You Can.

I LOVE IT!  WYCWYC!

Right now, I am working crazy, long, intense hours at a summer camp. I am living at Rice University during the week and eating in their cafeteria. My time is not really my own. I am running a camp with 72 kids a week and 12 staff members under me. Frankly, life is not about ME right now, it's about my job. So, while I can certainly make healthier choices in the cafeteria, I am limited as to the foods I have access to, and the time I have to workout. My focus for the next few weeks, until camp is over, is on doing my job well, NOT on worrying about my CHUBBINESS.

And you know what? That's okay.

There will be times when I am more able to focus on fighting the CHUBS, and there will be other times when something else will take center stage for me. And I need to be okay with that.

I don't want to focus all of my time and energy and effort on eliminating the CHUBS at the EXPENSE of all those other characteristics that define me!

I am Anela. And I am SO MUCH MORE than just CHUBBY.