Coming Clean About a Lot of Things

This post has been on my mind for a while, but it's taken me a long time to (begin to) come to grips with some of the blessings and challenges I have faced over the past few years.  I am finally ready to lay it all out, as humiliating as some parts are for me.  I just hope someone out there gets something from this.

On January 18, 2010, I began a new life.  I was very overweight (okay, grossly obese would be a better term) at that point, so I went in for surgery and had a Lap-Band put in.  That day I vowed to change my life by eating healthier and exercising regularly.  The day after my surgery, I started going on walks around my apartment complex.  Three weeks later, when I was cleared by my doctor, I began the Couch to 5K training program in preparation for my first 5K.

I ran a half marathon in November 2010, and another in January 2012. Slowly but surely, the weight came off and I got my life back. I gained confidence. I started to actually LIKE shopping for clothes. I dated. I was happier than I had been in a long time. Things seemed to be finally going my way.

Last summer (2013), I was in Arizona visiting family and friends, just moments away from losing 100 lbs when my world came crashing down on me.  I spent two days unable to keep down any food or water, and when I went to the hospital, I was told that my Lap-Band had slipped and they would have to remove it. This was 3 days before I was planning to drive back to Texas.

I cried.

I was rude and angry to the nursing staff.

I cried.

I begged the doctors not to remove it.

I cried.

I was mean to my mom (who was kind enough to be by my side in the emergency room and during this whole ordeal).

I cried more..

My precious weight loss, my new body, everything that I had worked so patiently for, was slipping through my fingers.

I was terrified.  Terrified of gaining weight, of having my "little helper" taken away.  And I was angry.  SO ANGRY.  SO VERY ANGRY!

Why did this have to happen to me?  Isn't it bad enough that I struggle with my weight?  Now I have to become one of the "complications with the Lap-Band" statistics?  It just didn't seem fair!!!

Now, I do need to clue you in on some things before I tell you the rest of the story.

I loved having a Lap-Band. I still think that they are wonderful tools, and I would be happy to talk to anyone considering having weight-loss surgery. Getting a Lap-Band was one of the best decisions I have ever made. But it came with a price. As my Lap-Band got tighter and tighter, I began to throw up more and more. Even though I would chew my food like crazy, my body became unable to tolerate many foods--most meats, breads, fruit and veggies, yogurt. I could eat crackers or chips, candy, a few odds and ends, but my options were limited. And it became essentially impossible for me to eat while sitting down--I guess my insides pressed on the band in a bad way when I was in a seated position. I would have to take a bite of food and walk around. Wait 5-10 minutes. Take another bite. And I still threw up a lot--several times a day, because my food would get "stuck" and wouldn't be able to go past the band. So the only other option was to come up.

I know. You're thinking--that's horrible! Why didn't you tell your doctor?

Why? Because, frankly, I was willing to pay that price to be the size that I was. I wanted to lose weight, and by jove, I lost it.

So, back to last August when I'm in the hospital, on vacation, being told that I have to have emergency surgery.  Not only did I not want to PAY for another surgery, I didn't want to lose my Lap-band. But in the end, I didn't have a choice. They removed it. And my new life, my post-Lap-Band life began.

It hasn't been easy.

The first few weeks, I was ravenous.  But what surprised me more than the hunger was the THIRST!  I was THIRSTY all the time!  So very, very thirsty.  I honestly was probably drinking 2-3 GALLONS of water every day.  I'm serious.  I would pee every half an hour.  Wake up 4-5 times at night to pee.  It was crazy.  I thought I was going insane.

When I got back to Texas and saw my doctor here, he was mad too that they removed my band.  He also told me that my insane thirst and endless hunger were normal--that my body had been restricted for 3 1/2 years and now it was going to fight back.  We talked briefly about other weight-loss surgeries, but at that time, I was too thin to qualify for any of them. Plus, I didn't want to pay all the money for YET ANOTHER surgery. So I told him that I was going to try and keep it off myself.

The pounds started creeping back on at an alarming rate.

But I discovered some good things too. I could eat again. I could eat fruit and veggies again. You have no idea how much I had missed eating salad!  I could eat meat--chicken and shrimp had never tasted so good! I could sit down and eat. I could go to a restaurant and not have to excuse myself 2-3 times to go barf in the bathroom, or worry that the food would come up before I could get to the bathroom. I could drink water while I was driving somewhere (couldn't eat or drink ANYTHING in the car during the later end of my Lap-Band time).

And I didn't throw up anymore.

I started getting adventurous at the grocery store. I began exploring new vegetables--Brussell's Sprouts (have always hated them and now LOVE them), different types of squash, kale, etc. I bought a Vitamix Blender and started making green smoothies.

The pounds still kept coming back.

But I realized a few things. That for me, the Lap-Band was giving me a false-positive. Yes, I was losing weight. But I wasn't losing it the right way, the healthy way. I was losing weight because I could hardly eat or drink anything. I was losing fat but I was also losing muscle. My body was in survival mode, fighting for every calorie it could get.

That wasn't healthy. I wasn't healthy. I was thinner that I've been in a long time, but I wasn't healthy at all. I realize that now.

Now, I'm not saying that this is how it is for everyone with a Lap-Band. I know plenty of other people who have been able to continue to eat fruits and vegetable and lean proteins with their Lap-Bands. But I wasn't. Which is why my emergency surgery turned out to be a blessing in disguise.


So, I feel like I'm starting back at the beginning. Embarking on a NEW journey, to get healthy the old-fashioned way--by exercising and eating right.  I no longer have a "helper" that tells me I'm full after eating only a small amount of food. I have to make conscious choices, measure things, and think before I eat.

And I am now, once again, focused on getting to a size/weight that I am comfortable with.

Let the (healthy) journey begin...