For the past month or so, I have been at what weight-loss experts call a "plateau." I haven't lost much weight, and have been struggling to stay on track. I find this very interesting for several reasons, and I have learned that my battle and the factors affecting my weight loss (or lack thereof) are far more MENTAL than they are PHYSICAL. While I understand that a certain amount of "plateau" is to be expected when losing weight, I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am my own worst enemy in this struggle.
I have been overweight my whole life, all 31 years of it. I think back to high school, especially my senior year when I was in the best shape of my life. I remember thinking how I was "fat" and "huge" and how, compared to my much shorter, much thinner friends, I basically felt like a GIANT OAF. When I looked in the mirror all I saw was this HUGE, OVER-SIZED person. When things didn't go my way, when I didn't get asked to the dance by the guy I liked, when I sat home on a Friday night, when I was overlooked and ignored, I blamed it all on the GIANT OAF that I saw every time I looked in the mirror.
I mean, I knew that I was smart, funny, a great cook, witty, and adventurous. I was a loyal friend and a good, God-fearing church-going girl. I had strong morals. I had ambition--I wanted to help the world, and knew that I could accomplish anything (academically) that I put my mind to. I could find only one reason for my social failures...and that was the GIANT OAF that I saw in the mirror.
Well, 4 months ago I decided to take control of my life, and to rid myself of GIANT OAF, my mortal enemy, forever. For goodness sakes, all of my problems are a result of GIANT OAF. All of the times when I've felt uncomfortable in my own skin, the rationalizations that I've made, the reason I haven't participated in sporting events or gone hiking, the times that I have been overlooked in a social scene--those are all GIANT OAF's fault. And GIANT OAF is definitely responsible for the failed relationships with guys...I mean, who in the world would want to date a GIANT OAF?!?!?
So, here's the thing. About a month ago, I reached a wonderful milestone. I stepped on the scale and realized that I had lost 50 LBS!!! I was ecstatic! I was so proud of all of my hard work, and when I looked in the mirror, I started to see new things...like my COLLAR BONES, for one. And I noticed some definition in my arms and my legs. When I would go to the store, I would look at a shirt and think "surely I can't fit into that--it's too small." Then, I would try it on and to my surprise it would fit! I would try on old clothes and they would hang off me. Life was good. Heck, life was GREAT! When I looked in the mirror, GIANT OAF seemed to be fading....
And just when I was really on the road to success, things started to change. I found myself unable to control my food cravings. I started eating junk food--stuff I had sworn off for 4 months. I still worked out, but I had lost my drive, and wasn't pushing myself as hard as had before. I started eating out more, rationalizing unhealthy snacks, turning back to food for comfort. I would get furious with myself, but I couldn't seem to stop. I was (and still am) so close to dropping another pants size, but suddenly, I couldn't seem to discipline myself to lose the last 10 lbs. I would lose 2-3 lbs, then gain 1-2 back, and have been yo-yoing back and forth around the same weight for over a month. I have reached a barrier that I can't seem to break through.
This has been extremely frustrating, and I have spent hours trying to figure out what is going on, and how to break through this plateau. I have told myself that enough is enough, and that I need to get back to my strict eating and tough workouts. All to no avail. When I look in the mirror, I see GIANT OAF lurking there, just beneath the surface, and finally, I have started to realize that GIANT OAF is NOT the problem. In fact, GIANT OAF is a friend. We've been through everything together. No one understands me quite like GIANT OAF does. GIANT OAF knows my biggest hopes and my biggest fears, and supports me no matter what. In fact, GIANT OAF, being the self-sacrificing scapegoat that she is, quietly takes the blame when my life doesn't turn out the way I want it to. She steps in and take the pressure off me. Failure is what GIANT OAF specializes in.
So that got me thinking...what happens when GIANT OAF is gone forever? The monster in the mirror, the one lurking just beneath the surface, the one that terrifies me more than anything else is not my good friend GIANT OAF. No, the creature of my nightmares, the thing that I am MOST AFRAID OF is SUCCESS.
SUCCESS looks very different from GIANT OAF. SUCCESS is fit and trim. SUCCESS is someone to be noticed. When SUCCESS walks in the door, she will get people's attention. SUCCESS can shop at all kinds of fun stores, because SUCCESS is thin enough to be able to fit into regular-sized clothing, unlike GIANT OAF who can only shop in a few plus-sized stores. SUCCESS is an outrageous flirt, and guys love to be around her. SUCCESS is confident in her looks, is unafraid of buying a bathing suit or going to the beach, and can handle any social situation with ease. SUCCESS is beautiful, athletic, well-dressed, and a social butterfly. SUCCESS is everything I want to be.
SUCCESS is a complete STRANGER.
I have hoped and dreamed about SUCCESS for as long as I can remember. But this is the closest I have been to actually reaching SUCCESS in a very long time. And, to be honest, it scares the heck out of me! All this time I have thought that GIANT OAF was the scary part of my life, but I realize now that I am far more afraid of SUCCESS! Why? Because SUCCESS refuses to be my scapegoat. If things don't work out my way, SUCCESS is not going to step in and take the blame like GIANT OAF did.
If I reach SUCCESS and then experience a personal failure, I will no longer be able to blame that failure on GIANT OAF. That failure will be all MY fault! I will finally have to face the fact that GIANT OAF isn't the cause of my problems... maybe my problems are because of ME.
Well, the time has come to face my fears and to own my life, for good or ill. I am here to say goodbye to both GIANT OAF and SUCCESS. After all, they are just messed-up perceptions that I have of my own self, costumes I put on to try and dress up the REAL ME. I am committed to starting a new life, and that means getting rid of some old friends, or rather, some old excuses.
I have someone I'd like to introduce to everyone...here name is Anela. Just Anela.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Got any bite-sized runs?
Have you ever tried to run 4 miles straight? I have. And it's not as easy as it looks. Many of you know that I started running about 4 months ago. Since I was very overweight and out of shape, I knew that I would have to start slowly. The first few weeks I just walked, 3-4 times a week, usually 3-4 miles. Then, I started running using Robert Ullrey's Couch to 5K podcast.
http://www.ullreys.com/robert/Podcasts/
His podcast is AWESOME. I downloaded it to my iPod, and followed the program religiously, running only 3 days per week with at least 1 resting day in between. However, I usually did an additional day of walking to continue to get my body in shape ( I also started working out with weights 2-3 times/week). I had a goal in mind. I wanted to compete in the Blue Bell Fun run on April 17. My goal: run the ENTIRE race, without walking at all.
Now, when I first started, I was pumped. I looked forward to each running session, and I can remember being amazed and super proud after completing my first 5-minute run during week 4! After that, there were a few days here and there that I didn't really "feel" like running, but I knew that I had to keep on schedule if I wanted to work up to my 5K by April 17. The longest run I did before the race was a 30 minute run, but since I run only a 12-minute mile (on the treadmill), this was only 2 1/2 miles. I was hoping that adrenaline and sheer determination would get me through the finish line on race day.
AND IT DID!!!
I am proud to say that I met my goal--I ran the whole 5K, hills and all! My time was 42:36, which isn't stellar, but I made it! I was very proud of my accomplishment. I went home all fired up to improve my time, as I was signed up for another 5K on May 1.
And then it hit. The running Blues. I had accomplished my first goal, and after that, I lost intensity in my workouts. I wanted to push myself farther, and work up to running 4 miles. But when I went to the gym, I couldn't even go 3 miles anymore. I felt like I had regressed, and my heart just wasn't in it anymore. I pushed through it as much as possible for those two weeks, and still put in good workouts, but I wasn't pushing myself to the limit. I felt like I had the right to take it easy, so I didn't stress too much about it.
May 1 dawned, and it was the first really humid day we'd had here in Houston this spring. I started the run with the goal of finishing in under 40 minutes, which would be shaving 2 1/2 minutes off my previous time. I figured, hey, I ran the whole race two weeks ago, this should be a piece of cake. Only it wasn't! It was horrible. The humidity sapped my strength and made me sweat even more than normal (which is saying something, since I sweat like a freaking beast!!!). I felt like I was drowning in the air. I hit mile 1 and had to stop and walk. The course went through a neighborhood, so I would run a few blocks, and then walk a few. I tried to keep my walking pace very brusque, and made myself keep running, if only in short spurts. I still felt good, and was confident that my last mile would be under the 40 minute mark.
To be honest, I don't know what my finishing time was. I managed to muster up some final strength and will power and ran (jog would be a better term) the last few hundred yards. This was a local race, so with no timing chips, I don't really know what my race time was. The finish line was backed way up, because they were making people file through single-file (so the officials could write down each racing number), and it was several seconds before I could even find the clock. When I finally found it, the time was 40:51, but I will still claim that I ran the actual race in under 40 minutes, since I was at the back of the starting line, and couldn't find the clock for several seconds at the finish. Either way, my time has improved, which was good.
I went home, high on the adrenaline of another race, and promptly signed up for ANOTHER 5K on May 29. I was sure that this would help to motivate me in my workouts, and bring the intensity back to running.
Only it didn't. I spent the first week after the race searching for excuses not to run. I was just tired. And busy. It's the end of the school year, there's so much to do. Blah. Blah. Blah. And worst of all, I couldn't seem to duplicate in the gym what I could do in the races. I'd be on the treadmill, and just give up after 2 or 2 1/2 miles. I just couldn't seem to get it together. I was very discouraged, and wondering how I could have lost my love of running.
And then, I did something that has changed my life, and changed my running. I had been reading about Jeff Galloway's "run-walk-run" method, and decided to try it out for myself. Basically, Jeff (a very famous marathoner, writer, and Olympian) says that during your runs, you should take short walking breaks, to allow your heart-rate to come down briefly and then go back up, and to keep your muscles from fatiguing too quickly. It's also supposed to make your body burn more fat.
So, I put it to the test. I have been wanting to run 4 miles for a while, and hadn't been able to even run 3 since right after the Blue Bell Run. I knew that most of my block was MENTAL, and that I needed to find a way to break through it. Because, physically, I could run 4 miles. Mentally, however, I could not seem to make myself run for 48 minutes straight.
On Wednesday, I started my workout with my 5 minute warm-up walk. Then, I ran a mile, which for me, is 12 minutes. After that, I walked for 2 minutes, and while I was walking I took mental note of how I was feeling, made sure I drank some water, wiped the sweat off my face a little. And then, when my two minutes were up, I ran another mile. Then I took a 2 minute break, hydrated, wiped sweat, and ran a 3rd. Now, I have to say, that when I finished that 3rd mile, I was feeling pretty good. And as I walked for those two minutes, I took inventory, and realized that I felt REALLY good. Good enough to do another. And so I did. I ran 4 miles, with 2 minute breaks between each one. And when it was over, I felt GREAT! Both physically and mentally. I had finally made it through the wall!!!
Now, doing something once does not make it a habit. So, yesterday, I tried the same thing--breaking my run into 1-mile chunks--and guess what. I DID IT AGAIN!!! I ran 4 miles! And at the end, I knew that I had it in me to run another mile or two. My goal this week is to continue to run 4 miles on my two weekday runs, and next Saturday, I'm going for 5 miles!!!
As I've reflected on this MENTAL breakthrough, I realize that running, like other large tasks in life, is most easily managed when broken into smaller, bite-sized chunks.
As the old adage goes:
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!!!
How do you run 4 miles? One mile at a time!
http://www.ullreys.com/robert/Podcasts/
His podcast is AWESOME. I downloaded it to my iPod, and followed the program religiously, running only 3 days per week with at least 1 resting day in between. However, I usually did an additional day of walking to continue to get my body in shape ( I also started working out with weights 2-3 times/week). I had a goal in mind. I wanted to compete in the Blue Bell Fun run on April 17. My goal: run the ENTIRE race, without walking at all.
Now, when I first started, I was pumped. I looked forward to each running session, and I can remember being amazed and super proud after completing my first 5-minute run during week 4! After that, there were a few days here and there that I didn't really "feel" like running, but I knew that I had to keep on schedule if I wanted to work up to my 5K by April 17. The longest run I did before the race was a 30 minute run, but since I run only a 12-minute mile (on the treadmill), this was only 2 1/2 miles. I was hoping that adrenaline and sheer determination would get me through the finish line on race day.
AND IT DID!!!
I am proud to say that I met my goal--I ran the whole 5K, hills and all! My time was 42:36, which isn't stellar, but I made it! I was very proud of my accomplishment. I went home all fired up to improve my time, as I was signed up for another 5K on May 1.
And then it hit. The running Blues. I had accomplished my first goal, and after that, I lost intensity in my workouts. I wanted to push myself farther, and work up to running 4 miles. But when I went to the gym, I couldn't even go 3 miles anymore. I felt like I had regressed, and my heart just wasn't in it anymore. I pushed through it as much as possible for those two weeks, and still put in good workouts, but I wasn't pushing myself to the limit. I felt like I had the right to take it easy, so I didn't stress too much about it.
May 1 dawned, and it was the first really humid day we'd had here in Houston this spring. I started the run with the goal of finishing in under 40 minutes, which would be shaving 2 1/2 minutes off my previous time. I figured, hey, I ran the whole race two weeks ago, this should be a piece of cake. Only it wasn't! It was horrible. The humidity sapped my strength and made me sweat even more than normal (which is saying something, since I sweat like a freaking beast!!!). I felt like I was drowning in the air. I hit mile 1 and had to stop and walk. The course went through a neighborhood, so I would run a few blocks, and then walk a few. I tried to keep my walking pace very brusque, and made myself keep running, if only in short spurts. I still felt good, and was confident that my last mile would be under the 40 minute mark.
To be honest, I don't know what my finishing time was. I managed to muster up some final strength and will power and ran (jog would be a better term) the last few hundred yards. This was a local race, so with no timing chips, I don't really know what my race time was. The finish line was backed way up, because they were making people file through single-file (so the officials could write down each racing number), and it was several seconds before I could even find the clock. When I finally found it, the time was 40:51, but I will still claim that I ran the actual race in under 40 minutes, since I was at the back of the starting line, and couldn't find the clock for several seconds at the finish. Either way, my time has improved, which was good.
I went home, high on the adrenaline of another race, and promptly signed up for ANOTHER 5K on May 29. I was sure that this would help to motivate me in my workouts, and bring the intensity back to running.
Only it didn't. I spent the first week after the race searching for excuses not to run. I was just tired. And busy. It's the end of the school year, there's so much to do. Blah. Blah. Blah. And worst of all, I couldn't seem to duplicate in the gym what I could do in the races. I'd be on the treadmill, and just give up after 2 or 2 1/2 miles. I just couldn't seem to get it together. I was very discouraged, and wondering how I could have lost my love of running.
And then, I did something that has changed my life, and changed my running. I had been reading about Jeff Galloway's "run-walk-run" method, and decided to try it out for myself. Basically, Jeff (a very famous marathoner, writer, and Olympian) says that during your runs, you should take short walking breaks, to allow your heart-rate to come down briefly and then go back up, and to keep your muscles from fatiguing too quickly. It's also supposed to make your body burn more fat.
So, I put it to the test. I have been wanting to run 4 miles for a while, and hadn't been able to even run 3 since right after the Blue Bell Run. I knew that most of my block was MENTAL, and that I needed to find a way to break through it. Because, physically, I could run 4 miles. Mentally, however, I could not seem to make myself run for 48 minutes straight.
On Wednesday, I started my workout with my 5 minute warm-up walk. Then, I ran a mile, which for me, is 12 minutes. After that, I walked for 2 minutes, and while I was walking I took mental note of how I was feeling, made sure I drank some water, wiped the sweat off my face a little. And then, when my two minutes were up, I ran another mile. Then I took a 2 minute break, hydrated, wiped sweat, and ran a 3rd. Now, I have to say, that when I finished that 3rd mile, I was feeling pretty good. And as I walked for those two minutes, I took inventory, and realized that I felt REALLY good. Good enough to do another. And so I did. I ran 4 miles, with 2 minute breaks between each one. And when it was over, I felt GREAT! Both physically and mentally. I had finally made it through the wall!!!
Now, doing something once does not make it a habit. So, yesterday, I tried the same thing--breaking my run into 1-mile chunks--and guess what. I DID IT AGAIN!!! I ran 4 miles! And at the end, I knew that I had it in me to run another mile or two. My goal this week is to continue to run 4 miles on my two weekday runs, and next Saturday, I'm going for 5 miles!!!
As I've reflected on this MENTAL breakthrough, I realize that running, like other large tasks in life, is most easily managed when broken into smaller, bite-sized chunks.
As the old adage goes:
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!!!
How do you run 4 miles? One mile at a time!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
How many calories does it cost to get to Disneyland?
If I want to go to Disneyland on vacation, it will take some serious planning on my part. First, I will have to decide how long I want to be there. Then I'll research airfare, find a reasonably priced hotel to stay in, buy tickets to the park, decide whether or not to purchase a meal plan, and designate a certain amount of money to be used to purchase souvenirs. After I know how much all of this will cost me, I will spend the next several months or even year or two scrimping and saving for that vacation. I will forgo new shoes, cook at home, resist the urge to see new movies in the theater, mend my clothes so they last a while longer, and put all of my money into a savings account so that finally, when I arrive at The Happiest Place On Earth, I can spend it like a madwoman and enjoy every second of it.
Instead of going to Disneyland this year, I have decided that I want to get Skinny. I have researched the cost of this trip, and have been diligently scrimping and saving calories, burning extra fat, and building up a store of muscle. I have gone through my pantry and refrigerator and thrown away tons of food including pasta, rice, candy, cake mixes, saimen (ramen noodles), sausage, and much more. I have shopped with a whole different outlook, substituting celery for chips, broccoli for corn, ground turkey for ground beef, and keeping only a few treats for special occasions (you didn't really think I could give up Blue Bell, did you???). I have been working and planning and saving for the past 4 months. And I am all ready to arrive at my destination...Skinny.
So, am I Skinny yet? I absolutely cannot wait to get there...It's going to be great! I mean, like Disneyland, once I get Skinny all the working and saving are over, and I get to run around and spend all the calories that I've so carefully hoarded, right? I mean, since Skinny is my destination, once I get there, I'll be able to enjoy myself and not have to work and save anymore, right?
Wrong.
Unfortunately, one of the more disillusioning misconceptions that we have is that Skinny or Fit or In Shape are destinations that we arrive at, a place to "while away the hours" and "relax" and "enjoy ourselves," after all of the work is over. If you think "Skinny" is the destination then you're not going to be there for long!
In just a few short months, I have come to realize that Skinny is simply a mode of transportation, a way for me to get from here to my earthly destination, which is ultimately, Death. Now, I most fervently believe in life after death, but what I'm talking about is this life, here on earth. The start is birth, and the destination is death. There are dozens of different ways that we can get from one to the other. I have spent the majority of my life traveling that pathway in the Vehicle called Overweight. Sometimes (back in high school) it's been a smaller Only-Slightly-Overweight-Crossover kind of Vehicle that I've used, and more recently, it's been the Suburban-Sized Overweight Vehicle that has been carrying me on my way, and let me assure you that it's an energy guzzler!
Now, after having traveled through life for 31 years using various sizes of Overweight vehicles, I have decided that it's time for me to trade in. I want a smaller, flashier, energy efficient Vehicle, the kind that attracts attention and can do 0-60mph in less than 10 seconds! I want to the kind of Vehicle what will run races, hike mountains, participate in sporting events, and of course, attract the attention of another shiny racing Vehicle!!!
I also realize that if I truly want to upgrade to this new Skinny Vehicle, it's going to take some planning. First, I'll have to keep working hard and save up for a while before I'll be able to afford Skinny. Once I'm there and I trade in Overweight Vehicle for Skinny, it's going to take daily maintenance to keep Skinny in the best condition. But if I put a little bit of work into her each day, then she could last me the rest of my lifetime! That's more than I can say for my Honda!!!
So, am I Skinny yet? No. Not yet. But I have traded in Suburban-Sized Overweight for my current ride, Just-Regular-Overweight, and in just a few more months, will be upgrading to an Only-Slightly-Overweight Vehicle. I'm hoping I'll be able to afford Skinny by my birthday in December!
And if I do...maybe I'll just take her with me to Disneyland!
Instead of going to Disneyland this year, I have decided that I want to get Skinny. I have researched the cost of this trip, and have been diligently scrimping and saving calories, burning extra fat, and building up a store of muscle. I have gone through my pantry and refrigerator and thrown away tons of food including pasta, rice, candy, cake mixes, saimen (ramen noodles), sausage, and much more. I have shopped with a whole different outlook, substituting celery for chips, broccoli for corn, ground turkey for ground beef, and keeping only a few treats for special occasions (you didn't really think I could give up Blue Bell, did you???). I have been working and planning and saving for the past 4 months. And I am all ready to arrive at my destination...Skinny.
So, am I Skinny yet? I absolutely cannot wait to get there...It's going to be great! I mean, like Disneyland, once I get Skinny all the working and saving are over, and I get to run around and spend all the calories that I've so carefully hoarded, right? I mean, since Skinny is my destination, once I get there, I'll be able to enjoy myself and not have to work and save anymore, right?
Wrong.
Unfortunately, one of the more disillusioning misconceptions that we have is that Skinny or Fit or In Shape are destinations that we arrive at, a place to "while away the hours" and "relax" and "enjoy ourselves," after all of the work is over. If you think "Skinny" is the destination then you're not going to be there for long!
In just a few short months, I have come to realize that Skinny is simply a mode of transportation, a way for me to get from here to my earthly destination, which is ultimately, Death. Now, I most fervently believe in life after death, but what I'm talking about is this life, here on earth. The start is birth, and the destination is death. There are dozens of different ways that we can get from one to the other. I have spent the majority of my life traveling that pathway in the Vehicle called Overweight. Sometimes (back in high school) it's been a smaller Only-Slightly-Overweight-Crossover kind of Vehicle that I've used, and more recently, it's been the Suburban-Sized Overweight Vehicle that has been carrying me on my way, and let me assure you that it's an energy guzzler!
Now, after having traveled through life for 31 years using various sizes of Overweight vehicles, I have decided that it's time for me to trade in. I want a smaller, flashier, energy efficient Vehicle, the kind that attracts attention and can do 0-60mph in less than 10 seconds! I want to the kind of Vehicle what will run races, hike mountains, participate in sporting events, and of course, attract the attention of another shiny racing Vehicle!!!
I also realize that if I truly want to upgrade to this new Skinny Vehicle, it's going to take some planning. First, I'll have to keep working hard and save up for a while before I'll be able to afford Skinny. Once I'm there and I trade in Overweight Vehicle for Skinny, it's going to take daily maintenance to keep Skinny in the best condition. But if I put a little bit of work into her each day, then she could last me the rest of my lifetime! That's more than I can say for my Honda!!!
So, am I Skinny yet? No. Not yet. But I have traded in Suburban-Sized Overweight for my current ride, Just-Regular-Overweight, and in just a few more months, will be upgrading to an Only-Slightly-Overweight Vehicle. I'm hoping I'll be able to afford Skinny by my birthday in December!
And if I do...maybe I'll just take her with me to Disneyland!
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