Who's afraid of the Big Bad SUCCESS?

For the past month or so, I have been at what weight-loss experts call a "plateau." I haven't lost much weight, and have been struggling to stay on track. I find this very interesting for several reasons, and I have learned that my battle and the factors affecting my weight loss (or lack thereof) are far more MENTAL than they are PHYSICAL. While I understand that a certain amount of "plateau" is to be expected when losing weight, I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am my own worst enemy in this struggle.

I have been overweight my whole life, all 31 years of it. I think back to high school, especially my senior year when I was in the best shape of my life. I remember thinking how I was "fat" and "huge" and how, compared to my much shorter, much thinner friends, I basically felt like a GIANT OAF. When I looked in the mirror all I saw was this HUGE, OVER-SIZED person. When things didn't go my way, when I didn't get asked to the dance by the guy I liked, when I sat home on a Friday night, when I was overlooked and ignored, I blamed it all on the GIANT OAF that I saw every time I looked in the mirror.

I mean, I knew that I was smart, funny, a great cook, witty, and adventurous. I was a loyal friend and a good, God-fearing church-going girl. I had strong morals. I had ambition--I wanted to help the world, and knew that I could accomplish anything (academically) that I put my mind to. I could find only one reason for my social failures...and that was the GIANT OAF that I saw in the mirror.

Well, 4 months ago I decided to take control of my life, and to rid myself of GIANT OAF, my mortal enemy, forever. For goodness sakes, all of my problems are a result of GIANT OAF. All of the times when I've felt uncomfortable in my own skin, the rationalizations that I've made, the reason I haven't participated in sporting events or gone hiking, the times that I have been overlooked in a social scene--those are all GIANT OAF's fault. And GIANT OAF is definitely responsible for the failed relationships with guys...I mean, who in the world would want to date a GIANT OAF?!?!?

So, here's the thing. About a month ago, I reached a wonderful milestone. I stepped on the scale and realized that I had lost 50 LBS!!! I was ecstatic! I was so proud of all of my hard work, and when I looked in the mirror, I started to see new things...like my COLLAR BONES, for one. And I noticed some definition in my arms and my legs. When I would go to the store, I would look at a shirt and think "surely I can't fit into that--it's too small." Then, I would try it on and to my surprise it would fit! I would try on old clothes and they would hang off me. Life was good. Heck, life was GREAT! When I looked in the mirror, GIANT OAF seemed to be fading....

And just when I was really on the road to success, things started to change. I found myself unable to control my food cravings. I started eating junk food--stuff I had sworn off for 4 months. I still worked out, but I had lost my drive, and wasn't pushing myself as hard as had before. I started eating out more, rationalizing unhealthy snacks, turning back to food for comfort. I would get furious with myself, but I couldn't seem to stop. I was (and still am) so close to dropping another pants size, but suddenly, I couldn't seem to discipline myself to lose the last 10 lbs. I would lose 2-3 lbs, then gain 1-2 back, and have been yo-yoing back and forth around the same weight for over a month. I have reached a barrier that I can't seem to break through.

This has been extremely frustrating, and I have spent hours trying to figure out what is going on, and how to break through this plateau. I have told myself that enough is enough, and that I need to get back to my strict eating and tough workouts. All to no avail. When I look in the mirror, I see GIANT OAF lurking there, just beneath the surface, and finally, I have started to realize that GIANT OAF is NOT the problem. In fact, GIANT OAF is a friend. We've been through everything together. No one understands me quite like GIANT OAF does. GIANT OAF knows my biggest hopes and my biggest fears, and supports me no matter what. In fact, GIANT OAF, being the self-sacrificing scapegoat that she is, quietly takes the blame when my life doesn't turn out the way I want it to. She steps in and take the pressure off me. Failure is what GIANT OAF specializes in.

So that got me thinking...what happens when GIANT OAF is gone forever? The monster in the mirror, the one lurking just beneath the surface, the one that terrifies me more than anything else is not my good friend GIANT OAF. No, the creature of my nightmares, the thing that I am MOST AFRAID OF is SUCCESS.

SUCCESS looks very different from GIANT OAF. SUCCESS is fit and trim. SUCCESS is someone to be noticed. When SUCCESS walks in the door, she will get people's attention. SUCCESS can shop at all kinds of fun stores, because SUCCESS is thin enough to be able to fit into regular-sized clothing, unlike GIANT OAF who can only shop in a few plus-sized stores. SUCCESS is an outrageous flirt, and guys love to be around her. SUCCESS is confident in her looks, is unafraid of buying a bathing suit or going to the beach, and can handle any social situation with ease. SUCCESS is beautiful, athletic, well-dressed, and a social butterfly. SUCCESS is everything I want to be.

SUCCESS is a complete STRANGER.

I have hoped and dreamed about SUCCESS for as long as I can remember. But this is the closest I have been to actually reaching SUCCESS in a very long time. And, to be honest, it scares the heck out of me! All this time I have thought that GIANT OAF was the scary part of my life, but I realize now that I am far more afraid of SUCCESS! Why? Because SUCCESS refuses to be my scapegoat. If things don't work out my way, SUCCESS is not going to step in and take the blame like GIANT OAF did.

If I reach SUCCESS and then experience a personal failure, I will no longer be able to blame that failure on GIANT OAF. That failure will be all MY fault! I will finally have to face the fact that GIANT OAF isn't the cause of my problems... maybe my problems are because of ME.

Well, the time has come to face my fears and to own my life, for good or ill. I am here to say goodbye to both GIANT OAF and SUCCESS. After all, they are just messed-up perceptions that I have of my own self, costumes I put on to try and dress up the REAL ME. I am committed to starting a new life, and that means getting rid of some old friends, or rather, some old excuses.

I have someone I'd like to introduce to everyone...here name is Anela. Just Anela.