Redefining Some Things

One of my best friends has been dealing with an obscure form of cancer for over 10 years now. She and I have had many conversations about it, and recently she sent me an interesting article about the Linguistics of Cancer. That article got me thinking about a lot of things in my own life, and I've come to some significant conclusions.

Most of my life, my body description has ranged from "chubby" to "significantly overweight." There have been only a few brief periods of "only a little chubby." NEVER, EVER have I described myself as having a "normal" body size.

Much of my time and energy is spent focusing on what I need to change--how my stomach is too squishy, my arms too flabby, my thighs too jiggly, how I ate too much for dinner, had a second bite of cupcake when I shouldn't have, didn't get up to exercise, wish that I had gone for a walk last night (despite the heat, humidity, and swarms of mosquitoes). I make excuse after excuse, and then mentally berate myself for not being stronger, for falling short in so many physical areas. When I step on the scale, instead of rejoicing over the 2 lbs lost since last week, I only see the 50 more lbs I want to lose, and silently slap myself thinking, "if I hadn't had ANY cookies this week, and had stayed away from the bacon all together, maybe I would have lost THREE lbs instead of just TWO."

Seriously, people. What the hell is wrong with me?!?!

I am CHUBBY. It's true. That is a word that can be used to honestly describe my body.

But you know what else I am?

I am: a good friend, loyal, patient, funny, adventurous, loving, a seeker of knowledge, a leader, a teacher, strong, faithful, a baker of delicious chocolate-chip cookies, a traveler, a researcher. I am a daughter, an aunt, a sister, a friend. I love to laugh, loud and often. I enjoy helping people, whether that be providing a meal, donating money to a cause, buying a gift, meeting a friend for lunch, lending a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. I live life to the fullest, always looking for ways to learn, grow, and improve myself. I enjoy photography, cooking, reading, and planning trips to see the world. I chat with friends, old and new, over the phone, over dinner, over pedicures. I am thinking about going back to school, my job, my future career. I research and explore options fully before making decisions. I am strong-willed, stubborn, a fiercely loyal friend, a champion of those I care about. I am smart, enjoy being intellectually challenged, like lifting weights, love my CrossFit family. I also like to try new foods, cook, bake sweets, and generally enjoy life.

And yes, I am CHUBBY.

But why in the world am I letting ONE SMALL characteristic of myself overshadow the MANY, MANY other things that make me who I am???

Let me tell you something. My nieces and nephews, whom I love more than anything else in this world...well, they don't seem to care whether I'm chubby or not. They didn't love me any more when I was less chubby, and they sure don't love me any less now that my waistline has expanded. To them, I am simply Aunt Anela, a favorite.

My friends haven't stopped hanging out with me just because my pants size is larger than it used to be.

No one at works seems to think me any less capable of teaching now that my chin has a chin of its own. Parents haven't complained about their child's CHUBBY teacher. My performance reviews have all been excellent, despite the weight I have gained.

The summer camp that I'm working for had no problems hiring my CHUBBY self. They haven't seemed to mind my jiggly arms, or the cellulite on my legs. My CHUBBINESS has in no way impacted my ability to be a confident Camp Director, a coach to my staff, a liaison to Rice University, and a face that parents trust to take care of their children.

My dear friend and I have talked a lot about her cancer, how it's something she has and deals with, but it's also not her defining characteristic, and she refuses to let it take over who she is as a person.

I am here to do the same with my own struggle, being CHUBBY. Yes, I am CHUBBY. It's true. I deal with it the best I can, always fighting to be healthy and work to overcome this obstacle in my life.

But I am SO MUCH MORE than just CHUBBY. That is such a tiny part of what makes me uniquely Anela.

Another good friend of mine introduced me to the WYCWYC movement--doing What You Can, When You Can.

I LOVE IT!  WYCWYC!

Right now, I am working crazy, long, intense hours at a summer camp. I am living at Rice University during the week and eating in their cafeteria. My time is not really my own. I am running a camp with 72 kids a week and 12 staff members under me. Frankly, life is not about ME right now, it's about my job. So, while I can certainly make healthier choices in the cafeteria, I am limited as to the foods I have access to, and the time I have to workout. My focus for the next few weeks, until camp is over, is on doing my job well, NOT on worrying about my CHUBBINESS.

And you know what? That's okay.

There will be times when I am more able to focus on fighting the CHUBS, and there will be other times when something else will take center stage for me. And I need to be okay with that.

I don't want to focus all of my time and energy and effort on eliminating the CHUBS at the EXPENSE of all those other characteristics that define me!

I am Anela. And I am SO MUCH MORE than just CHUBBY.

In the Eye of the Beholder

So, I've pretty much felt uncomfortable in my own skin for as long as I can remember. I have always been tall. I mean, freakishly tall. And I grew early. I can remember my parents taking me to the doctor because they were worried that something was wrong with me. My first military ID card (issued when I was 10 years old) said I was 5'8. In fifth grade, I was taller than everyone in the school, including all the teachers, except for one sixth grade boy--Joey Wall. I was 6' by the time I was in eighth grade, and grew another inch sometime after that.

On top of that, I was painfully shy. It mortified me to have people stare at me, point, whisper (folks, I'm tall, not deaf), call me the "Jolly Green Giant," and ask, "How's the weather up there?" To have complete strangers come up to me in stores and ask, in awed tones, "Just how tall ARE you???"

As if I were a freak.

As if I AM a freak.

Present tense.

It still happens.

I still get the stares, the whispers. The weirdos in stores who ask me how tall I am.

So, yeah. To say I'm uncomfortable in my own body would be an understatement. And, as if that's not enough, I am one of the few who was born tall and NOT SKINNY. No super modeling for me. No, I think the part-Hawaiian in me really comes out in my body type. I'm solid. I easily put on muscle. If I were a guy, I'd have been a great defensive lineman. Somehow, that body type, my body type, is not admired so much on a woman.

In other words, I've spent all of my life feeling uncomfortable and ashamed of my body, painfully aware of how different I am from what a woman is supposed to be--small. Delicate. Skinny. Sexy.

Consequently, I've spent most of my life searching for the CURE, the way to make myself all of those things that I'm not. Thin. Lithe. Beautiful. Constantly berating myself for not being smaller, faster, lighter.

Always comparing my shortcomings to everyone else.  Her thighs jiggle less than mine. She has smaller arms than I do. Look at how fast she can run. Her butt has more lift. She doesn't get winded as easily as I do.

However, over the past year and a half, I've started to see things differently. My CrossFit journey has helped me to appreciate being STRONG and FIT more than being SKINNY. I am working hard to love and appreciate my body for what it IS, and to stop lamenting what it is NOT.

But it's not easy.

I've got 36 years of media-indoctrination constantly screaming at me, telling me what a woman SHOULD look like, reminding me that I am nothing but a FREAK who is too big to ever have a place on their beauty scale.

Now, I wish I could say that I've had an epiphany and have come to perfectly love and accept my body.

Ha.

But I have had a few breakthroughs.

Last week at CrossFit we were doing strict press and I got a 1 rep PR of 100#.  I was PUMPED!

Then, as I glanced around the room, it occurred to me that I have spent my whole life looking at things from only one angle. I'v been comparing myself to others, lamenting how, no matter how hard I train, I will NEVER be able to run an 8 minute mile (seriously, though, my body just isn't built like that), or be able to do body-weight movements with lightning speed, like some.

And then I realized it.

There are some girls who will NEVER be able to lift 100# over their head in strict press! Because their bodies just aren't built for it.

Wait, WHAT?

You mean, this large-barge body of mine could actually be...a...gasp...ADVANTAGE for some things?!?

Mind...blown!

Here I had been comparing myself to others, when they very well could be comparing themselves to me!

That's when I had my BGO (brilliant glimpse of the obvious). Sometimes, being bigger and taller IS an advantage.

I can lift weights. Heavy weights. I can throw a wall ball without really wondering if it will reach high enough to hit the mark--of course it will. The mark is only a little above where my hands can stretch to on the wall. I can row 500m in under 2 minutes. Not Olympic worthy, but not too shabby.

Now, one BGO compared to 36 years of media indoctrination means that I am FAR from conquering this issue. Everyday it is a struggle to accept and love my body for what it IS, and stop wishing for what it is NOT.

But I am determined to keep fighting.

Fighting to drown out the media. Fighting to let go of unrealistic expectations. Fighting to embrace what IS.

Fighting to be comfortable in my own skin.

One day at a time...

If The Sock Fits...

So, today marks a first for me. In a year and a half of going to CrossFit, this is the first time I have ever attended workouts THREE DAYS IN A ROW!!!

Wahoo!

I usually space my CrossFit workouts throughout the week, generally going Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. A few weeks ago, I decided that I wanted to supplement my workouts and get back into running on non-CrossFit days. I've been having a lot of issues with my left knee and foot, so I wanted to slowly ease back into things. Day after day I would tell myself tomorrow, you're going to get up at 5 am and start walking/jogging. And...day after day, I came up with an excuse not to go.

Ugh.  I can be my own worst enemy sometimes!

So, I was talking to Coach Pete about it, and he recommended that I go unlimited a our CrossFit box--meaning up my membership so I can attend as many classes as I want to each week (I was just going three times/week). At first I was hesitant. In addition to being more money, I just wasn't sure that my body was ready to handle more CrossFit classes!

But Pete had a good point. He said that by working out more at CrossFit, not only would I have a coach who could help me and push me when necessary, but I would have the support of the whole CF community behind me.

I thought about it and decided that Pete was right. So I took the plunge and upgraded my membership.

Today is only Wednesday, and I've already gone to CrossFit THREE TIMES this week!!!

Monday and today were traditional CrossFit WODS, and yesterday I went to the Olympic Lifting Class (Oly Lifting), so I can start working more on my form.

And...guess what.

I plan to go to Oly Lifting again tomorrow, and finish out my week with another traditional CrossFit WOD on Friday.

Eeeeee!

Now, here is the crazy part. I'm doing the Winter Nutrition Challenge, so I'm eating super clean and fueling my body with all the great nutrients that it needs to build muscle and burn fat.  I know this might sound dramatic, but I swear to you, I can actually FEEL MYSELF GETTING STRONGER!

Everyday.

I think I'll wear my BEAST MODE socks tomorrow, because, well, if the sock fits...

Challenge...Accepted

A few weeks ago at CrossFit they started advertising the Winter Nutrition Challenge. Now, I've done CrossFit nutrition challenges before and they are HARD! Seriously! You can actually eat a ton of food, but that food is mostly veggies, a little fruit, some lean meat, and a tiny bit of fat (avocado, coconut oil or almonds). NO sugar, NO carbs, NO legumes, NO sugar, NO dairy, and did I mention, NO sugar???

Anyhow, at first I was thinking NO WAY was I going to PAY someone else to torture me like that.

But it kept coming back to me that I needed to do this challenge. To show my support and solidarity for my CrossFit peeps, to reset my own eating (which has been a STRUGGLE for the past few months), and to prove...well...that I can step up to a Challenge.

So, here I am.

Day 1.

I spent time over the weekend prepping and planning for this. I have 5 salads prepped, ground turkey, chicken, and frozen steam-able bags of broccoli and green beans. I've got Brussell's Sprouts, onions and sweet potatoes ready to roast tonight, and I plan to stop by HEB tonight or tomorrow and grab some shrimp to cook up. I have planned carefully for this week, and after allowing myself one last hurrah of eating this weekend (hellooooo---Super Bowl Party), I am ready for this.

I'm sure I'll be whining and crying about how hard it is in a few days. Detox is a b!tch! Especially for a sugar-addict like me. But it's time to push my body to the next level.

Challenge...accepted!