In the Eye of the Beholder

So, I've pretty much felt uncomfortable in my own skin for as long as I can remember. I have always been tall. I mean, freakishly tall. And I grew early. I can remember my parents taking me to the doctor because they were worried that something was wrong with me. My first military ID card (issued when I was 10 years old) said I was 5'8. In fifth grade, I was taller than everyone in the school, including all the teachers, except for one sixth grade boy--Joey Wall. I was 6' by the time I was in eighth grade, and grew another inch sometime after that.

On top of that, I was painfully shy. It mortified me to have people stare at me, point, whisper (folks, I'm tall, not deaf), call me the "Jolly Green Giant," and ask, "How's the weather up there?" To have complete strangers come up to me in stores and ask, in awed tones, "Just how tall ARE you???"

As if I were a freak.

As if I AM a freak.

Present tense.

It still happens.

I still get the stares, the whispers. The weirdos in stores who ask me how tall I am.

So, yeah. To say I'm uncomfortable in my own body would be an understatement. And, as if that's not enough, I am one of the few who was born tall and NOT SKINNY. No super modeling for me. No, I think the part-Hawaiian in me really comes out in my body type. I'm solid. I easily put on muscle. If I were a guy, I'd have been a great defensive lineman. Somehow, that body type, my body type, is not admired so much on a woman.

In other words, I've spent all of my life feeling uncomfortable and ashamed of my body, painfully aware of how different I am from what a woman is supposed to be--small. Delicate. Skinny. Sexy.

Consequently, I've spent most of my life searching for the CURE, the way to make myself all of those things that I'm not. Thin. Lithe. Beautiful. Constantly berating myself for not being smaller, faster, lighter.

Always comparing my shortcomings to everyone else.  Her thighs jiggle less than mine. She has smaller arms than I do. Look at how fast she can run. Her butt has more lift. She doesn't get winded as easily as I do.

However, over the past year and a half, I've started to see things differently. My CrossFit journey has helped me to appreciate being STRONG and FIT more than being SKINNY. I am working hard to love and appreciate my body for what it IS, and to stop lamenting what it is NOT.

But it's not easy.

I've got 36 years of media-indoctrination constantly screaming at me, telling me what a woman SHOULD look like, reminding me that I am nothing but a FREAK who is too big to ever have a place on their beauty scale.

Now, I wish I could say that I've had an epiphany and have come to perfectly love and accept my body.

Ha.

But I have had a few breakthroughs.

Last week at CrossFit we were doing strict press and I got a 1 rep PR of 100#.  I was PUMPED!

Then, as I glanced around the room, it occurred to me that I have spent my whole life looking at things from only one angle. I'v been comparing myself to others, lamenting how, no matter how hard I train, I will NEVER be able to run an 8 minute mile (seriously, though, my body just isn't built like that), or be able to do body-weight movements with lightning speed, like some.

And then I realized it.

There are some girls who will NEVER be able to lift 100# over their head in strict press! Because their bodies just aren't built for it.

Wait, WHAT?

You mean, this large-barge body of mine could actually be...a...gasp...ADVANTAGE for some things?!?

Mind...blown!

Here I had been comparing myself to others, when they very well could be comparing themselves to me!

That's when I had my BGO (brilliant glimpse of the obvious). Sometimes, being bigger and taller IS an advantage.

I can lift weights. Heavy weights. I can throw a wall ball without really wondering if it will reach high enough to hit the mark--of course it will. The mark is only a little above where my hands can stretch to on the wall. I can row 500m in under 2 minutes. Not Olympic worthy, but not too shabby.

Now, one BGO compared to 36 years of media indoctrination means that I am FAR from conquering this issue. Everyday it is a struggle to accept and love my body for what it IS, and stop wishing for what it is NOT.

But I am determined to keep fighting.

Fighting to drown out the media. Fighting to let go of unrealistic expectations. Fighting to embrace what IS.

Fighting to be comfortable in my own skin.

One day at a time...